


Hero Fallout

by Pakacoryi



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon except Season 8, Fluff and Angst, Klance fix-it, Lance (Voltron) Has Anxiety, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Oblivious Lance (Voltron), POV Alternating, Pining Keith (Voltron), Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Super Sappy Adorable Puke-worthy Ending, They all have Anxiety, lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2019-09-23 15:16:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17082749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pakacoryi/pseuds/Pakacoryi
Summary: Canon through season 7, takes place 2 years after a less devastating, non canon season 8.Keith is gone, trying to run away from more than a few feelings.Lance is a complete wreck, unable to come to terms with what they've all been through.  And life on Earth is anything but a comfort.But when Keith is forced to return to Earth, they both come to realize they're exactly what the other needs to get back to being okay.Alternating first person pov between Keith and Lance.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first anything I've written in ages, so I apologize if it's kinda rough. Hopefully it's awful in the way fanfics are meant to be.  
> My version of season 8 that applies to this fic is basically canon season 8 but without dead Allura - her and Lance continue their relationship. Also without the future parts they put at the end. Basically just a big epic fight against Honerva that ends with them going back to Earth to rebuild but Keith leaving and the lions stay cause the universe can't ever really be that safe.
> 
> Also I'm over halfway through writing this story so updates will be regular.

Chapter 1  
Keith's Point of View

"Sooooo... Pidge is still off somewhere writing codes to reprogram drones to help cleanup and rebuild and survey different Earth cities and stuff. It's a pretty simple task for her but takes a lot of time cause there's just so much to do. As far as I've heard most of Earth is still completely devastated. Right now I think she's somewhere in what used to be Russia. The team she's with is trying to do a quick inventory of the state of the planet's resources and ecosystems and stuff like that. Trying to figure out if Earth can even sustain itself without drastic intervention from alien technologies and magic and shit. I think she's hoping it can't so she can build cool stuff to help it.

Pretty sure she's doing good though, her dad and Shiro are with her right now...

Matt went back into space with some rebels again. I don't think they had a real plan, I'm pretty sure being here was just becoming too overwhelming for him. I kinda know how he feels I guess. I felt pretty helpless when I tried to go home for the first time and realized Cuba is now just a bunch of... shards of rock sticking out of the ocean...

But speaking of destroyed homes, your creepy little shack is still there. I mean nothing around it looks the same and there are remains of a Galra outpost like ten feet from the door but, hey! At least it's still standing. For some reason Sendak's troops decided not to blow it up for a change. Maybe they saw how sad and pathetic it looked and thought 'y'know whoever lives here does not need anything else going wrong in their life,' I mean, really, who lives alone in the middle of the desert that weirdly close to the Garrsion training camp... for real though you think that'd be illegal or something, like wasn't it world government property? How did they not notice you, or care?

Now, wait, where was I? ...Oh yeah, Allura is not on Earth at the moment, I still am though - can't remember if I mentioned that - uuh... but she's going to visit the Alteans and discuss possibly having them move to Earth. Something about two broken races coming together to start something new and good or something like that, I don't know, she kind of left in a hurry... or I wasn't paying attention or something... I don't know, she just gets so serious all the time, sometimes I can't tell if she's talking about galactic plans or something she ate for breakfast, you know? You wouldn't know I guess...

But uuh, yeah - oh and Coran went with her. He left Shiro and Sam with the atlas. Shiro has been pretty good, he seems pretty stressed but isn't he always? He went- ...why am I talking to you about Shiro, he's the only one of us you still actually communicate with.

That's the only reason that I know you, Keith, are with your mom, alive, helping the Galra sort out their imploding culture. It's the only reason we know you aren't blown into a million pieces or stuck in a black hole or eaten by one of those giant space sting ray thingies with the one eye - though, I'm still not convinced that thing was real.

...

Hunk! I'm forgetting about Hunk. Hunk is good. Doing all the things you'd expect Hunk to do. You know, bein' a good guy and all. Him and his family are doing a crazy amount of work finding people homes. He's actually part of a network that goes around trying to find people that managed to hide and survive during the war and they're bringing them out of hiding. He's back and forth a lot but his home is here at the Garrison base, so I see him pretty frequently. Not like some people - y'know - like not like you... I haven't even heard your voice since you left over a year ago...

But hey... at least I'm still trying...

...Bye Keith... I hope you hear this." The recording gave way to an obvious silence. Somehow listening to it a third time made me feel even worse than the first two times. I glanced at my glass of - _...what the fuck is this shit called? Who cares, it's only half empty sooo - Let's play it again!_

I touched the screen for a fourth time.

"Hey, it's me, Keith. I mean - it's me, Lance comma Keith. Guess you knew that though since you're you and you know you're not leaving yourself a message. But I guess it's good to clarify since maybe someone else is getting these. Who knows! You never answer them anyway.

So... yep. It's Lance. I'm on Earth. In my room at the Garrison. I think my room used to be a teacher lounge or something... but,-"

"KEITH!" I jumped and turned to see Krolia standing in my doorway. _How long has she been there?_ Her face and voice made me realize how fuzzy my brain was. _If I can realize it, it means I didn't drink enough._ "Again?" She started to say something sternly but her face softened as we both realized Lance's message was still playing. I fumbled to shut it off and then reached for my drink - it was spilled all over my desk... and dripping onto my pants, apparently. _How did that even happen?_  
I felt Krolia's hand on my shoulder and looked up expecting to see the harsh disapproving look I had become accustomed too, but instead she looked sad... or something.

"Keith," her voice was warm and soft now. I saw her put my now empty glass upright. "You really shouldn't be drinking this. Come on." She grabbed under my shoulder and pulled me up out of my chair. I stumbled sideways until she pushed me onto my bed. My face hit the pillow and the rest of my body felt like it was still falling. I opened my eyes, willing the room to stop spinning. Krolia was sitting on the edge of my bed, her hand resting on my back. "Go home, Keith," she sounded far away - _but what the fuck!_

"Wha- no!" I struggled to push myself up but she stopped me.

"You miss your friends. You've been through so much. Just take a break."

"No, the," I couldn't form the words I needed to argue with her, fuck, I could barely understand what she was saying. _But I know I hate her idea..._

"We'll talk about it in the morning. Just go to sleep now." The bed shifted as she stood up. The door closed and my room went dark.

*****

_Whoever's knocking on my door better be prepared for their face to never look the same again if they don't go away._

They knocked again. Scowling, I covered my head with my pillow.

I could still hear it. _...fuck..._

"Keith!" It was Krolia. She knocked again, more loudly. "Keith, get up!"

"What do you want?" I yelled angrily, my voice hoarse from sleep. My anger intensified as I heard my door open. Her footsteps got closer and closer until my my pillow was forcibly ripped away from my face. "Hey!" I barked and reached for it but she threw it across my room. "Krolia, what the-"

"Get up now, Keith!" she snapped. "We have things to discuss." I groaned and pushed myself up. My stomach felt like it dropped out of my body then reappeared full of something it didn't want inside it at all. "Here." Krolia held a glass of almost glowing green liquid in front of my face.

"Thanks," I muttered and took it from her. I tried to do so angrily but my muscles weren't cooperating at the speed of my extreme irritation. I drank as much as I could at once and felt the nausea calm down and the lights in my room became less offensive.

"I've already made arrangements for you to take the black lion back to Earth." ...my nausea returned with her words and I jumped up out of my bed.

"No! How could you - I don't - I'm needed here!" I stuttered with frantic rage and disbelief. What the fuck was she thinking!?!

"You're not helping anyone in the state you've been in lately." Her voice was so level it somehow pissed me off even more.

"What does that even mean!?! I-"

"Look at yourself!" She was no longer successfully controlling her voice. "You look terrible! You're drunk every night, you're clearly miserable, you -" She stopped abruptly and her expression changed. I saw her eyes scanning my face and when they met mine again they were full of grief. She put her hand on my shoulder. "You've been through so much. You four were so young when Voltron chose you, you weren't prepared for any of this. I'm sure your friends are struggling in their own ways too." I pulled back from her. _How fucking could she?_

"No! Don't do that! Don't treat me like some weak little fucking victim!" My rage was shaking through my limbs. Krolia looked taken aback. "I'm fine! I'm continuing my work here, now get out of my room!"

"It's too late." She made no movement towards the door. "I've had you replaced on all of your upcoming missions." Her voice was back to that calm tone that was so infuriating. "Go home and deal with your shit, Keith, or man up and get over it. Now clean yourself up. You're leaving today." She gave me one last pained look and turned around and left.

I stared at the closed door, rage and panic building inside me. I grabbed the half empty glass of green shit and threw it across the room with a yell. It shattered and fell to the floor.

 _Earth... fucking Earth..._ I'm not entirely sure why I didn't want to be there. I just knew - I really. Didn't. Want. To be there. Even the idea of it felt... smothering... or something.  
And then there are people... and them... Pidge and Hunk and Allura... and Shiro... and fucking Lance. They'll all just want to talk or at least force social interactions out of me. _The last thing I want to do..._

I fell onto my bed and closed my eyes. My anger was ebbing away, leaving a sinking feeling of dread in its place. My stomach twisted and I began to regret smashing the drink Krolia had brought me. My communicator beeped from across the room. I turned my head and saw it propped up on my desk where it had been playing the message from Lance the night before. An empty glass sat beside it, its former contents were drying into a sticky mess on the tabletop... and on the floor, making one more stain to join the many others that I hadn't bothered to clean up. The communicator beeped one more time. _Wonder who it is this time..._ I closed my eyes again and tried to go back to sleep.

...

...

It didn't work. I exhaled defeatedly and swung my feet off the side of my bed, sitting up. I rubbed my eyes and ran my hands back through my hair. Leaning forward, I grabbed my communicator and fell back onto my bed. The screen lit up and showed one new message from Shiro. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "They fuckin' know already." I pressed play and the message started.

"Keith!" Shiro's voice sounded optimistic. "Krolia gave me the news! I'll pass the message along. We can't wait to see you again. I'm glad your work is successful enough that they can cover you for a visit to Earth. Contact me when you enter Earth's solar system. There's still a room for you at the Garrison. Again, can't wait to see you, I have to go. See you soon!" The message stopped and I sighed again.

_Yes, Shiro, fucking please tell everyone I'm coming back. I really want a welcome party. I hope there are banners and there better be at least fifty people waiting to hear stories about what I've been doing with the Galra._

"Oh well. May as well get this shit over with."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short intro chapter for Lance's point of view

Chapter 2  
Lance's Point of View

 

"Lance! Lance." Hunk was calling my name. "Hey, Lance." He slowed from a jog to match my pace walking down the hall of the Garrison. "So are you busy?"

"If you call walking aimlessly busy, then yes, yes I am." Walking aimlessly was like, my new favorite hobby. Hunk laughed offhandedly.

"I'll just walk with you till we get outside then. I have to meet up with your sister to go over some new temporary housing camp plans."

"Yeah? So, you still liking the work you're doing?" I asked, turning to him slightly. Honestly I was kind of hoping he'd say no.

"Oh yeah! It's great!" He sounded incredibly sincere... "I know when I first started, people - myself included - thought I was kinda like not living up to my full potential. But now it's, it's what I was hoping it'd be. I love seeing the look on people's faces when they realize their life like still has a chance, ya know."

"Yeah." I shrugged one shoulder. Really I didn't know what he meant, but I was happy for him. "That's good to hear."

"Hey, man, are you okay?" _Aren't friends that can see through your facade of happiness just the greatest._ "You bummed Allura's still gone?"

"I don't know." _I seriously don't..._ "I'm just kind of - I don't know - like I feel like I'm the only one that hasn't really found anything worthwhile to do since, you know..." I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket.

"But you've been helping Allura with the human-alien relations stuff haven't you?"

"Yeah, but that's like her thing. I just don't... know what to do. I guess." It sounded pathetic out loud.

"Mmmm, you could talk to Shiro about it. He's been all over now, so he might've run into something you never even thought of before," Hunk offered.

"Yeah." I think he sensed me wanting to drop the conversation so he changed the subject.

"Speaking of Shiro-" Hunk started brightly. "I just talked to him this morning and he says he'll be back in a few weeks. And! I talked to Pidge and she's stopping back here the week after that!"

"Really?" My mood genuinely improved with this news. "I hope they're still here when Allura gets back, she's expecting to be about another month." My insides felt warmer with the thought of everyone being back together.

"It gets even better." I could hear the excitement in his his voice and it was making me even more optimistic. Maybe today actually was a good day after all. "Keith's coming home!" I stopped, my heart jumping to my throat. Hunk turned to look at me, slightly confused.

"What?" I asked blankly, not knowing what to say. For some reason, this wasn't as happy an occasion as I'd thought it would be.

"Yeah, Shiro told me. Are you okay, man?" Hunk frowned slightly, looking thoroughly confused now, so I started walking again - shoving my hands deeper in my pockets.

"Yeah, yeah I guess. But has anyone besides Shiro heard two words from Keith since he left?"

"I dunno." Hunk shrugged. "I guess I just assumed he was busy and figured Shiro would relay any messages."

"Yeah, you're probably right. I thought he'd at least let us know if he was coming to Earth." _Maybe I'm being too sensitive in taking Keith's lack of communication personally. I mean, he's never been great at it to begin with._

"Maybe he wanted it do be a surprise but Shiro ruined it," Hunk suggested.

"Ha, I'm sure that's it." 

"I'm gonna bake him a giant cake... ooh! and hang a banner between the red and yellow lions in the hangar and - man I just can't wait for everyone to be home!" Hunk put his hands together and bounced up and down excitedly.

We soon reached the doors and went outside. Hunk slapped me on the back in farewell. "See ya later, buddy," I said in return. I watched him walk away towards the building where Veronica worked. Sighing, I continued with my time wasting walk. An odd and uncomfortable mix of emotions were stirring my insides. I felt slightly nauseous from it.

There was an intense excitement and longing for everyone being in one place again - but something else too, like I was dreading it? It made no sense to me. _I hate being alone, and that's been the case a lot lately. I mean it was nice for a little bit when Allura first left but now I'm pretty over it. It's been driving me kinda crazy._

Then there was the relief at the fact Keith was actually returning. I had been starting to convince myself I might never see him again, or at least not really as friends. But there was also the resentment. As much as I wanted to to believe Hunk that Keith wasn't intentionally avoiding us, I couldn't help feeling wronged. Maybe it's cause I sent him a message almost every week, usually repeating the same things over and over cause -'surely he would've responded if he had gotten them, they had to have just not been going through.'- _Maybe I should just be okay with the very little he's willing to give. But how the fuck can you go through so much with someone, then want nothing to do with them?_

_Fuck him... I wouldn't have made it through everything if it hadn't been for him. I thought he felt the same but I guess not. He can't even let me know he's still alive._

_It's stupid how much that hurts._

I found myself walking a path that I walked more frequently than others. It lead behind one of the buildings, there there were a bunch of massive crates that were stacked in a way that I could easily climb them. Once on the roof, I walked to the furthest edge. The horizon was not what it used to be. It was almost constantly filled with clouds of dust. The actual clouds were never white anymore. They were a sick looking grey. Not grey like they were when they used to be filled with rain, but more like an ominous streaky oil slick in the sky. It rarely rained anymore and when it did, it was so full of poison that the garrison went into lock-down. Even being back on earth - I still missed it.

I sat down heavily and pulled out my phone. _No messages. Not surprising._ This was usually where I sat to leave my unnecessarily long voice messages for stupid asshole. I stared at my phone, absently tapping my thumb on the call symbol. _I shouldn't. Nope._ I slammed my phone down beside me and leaned forward, pressing my face in my hands.

"Fuck..." I breathed and grabbed my phone again. Against my better judgement, before I could stop myself, a call was going through. I scowled at the 'Calling Keith' image on my phone. "I should change your name to stupid mullet fucktard," I mumbled to myself before it switched to voice message mode. I took a deep breath.

"Hey..." I paused, regretting my decision. "I don't know what to say... I'm back - sitting on the roof again. Where this all started. I know you weren't here, but I know you know the story. Looking at the horizon, and even though it's so different, I can still see it so clearly. The sight of Shiro's ship. I can - I can like feel the rush of excitement I felt, I can smell what the air smelled like then - I... I can feel it, like I'm there, and I see myself and I just. Part of me wants... to be like 'hey! Don't do it! You're stupid and making a huge mistake - you're about to ruin everything!' ...

...like I... I know I wouldn't change anything if I actually could go back, I know it was out of our control. I know everything why I shouldn't feel this way but - but it's...

I can't... I can't feel the good that we did. Anymore.

And it's just this. This shit that we're left with.

Now I'm. We don't even have each other anymore... And that - that fuckin' sucks cause I miss my friends.

...

Nothing else is new. But I'm sure you already know that. I'm glad you're coming home.

Bye." I ended the call and sighed loudly, trying to calm my shaking hands. I felt slightly nauseous again. _I should probably go drink something. I don't think I drank anything today. My throat hurts, this stupid dry air._ I was absentmindedly dragging my fingers through the thin layer of dirt that had accumulated on the roof. _Is it late enough to go to bed yet?_

Eventually, the sun started setting so I decided to head back to my room. I stood and stretched lazily, trying to get my blood moving - my butt was completely numb and my leg almost asleep - then headed back to my room. 

It was barely 8:30 when I threw myself onto my bed. It felt empty without Allura laying beside me. But I was perfectly willing to put up with her absence cause it also meant I could go to sleep at 8:30 without being questioned. And even better; it meant I wouldn't be woken up at 6 am and have to argue for the right to sleep till 7. I could sleep as much as my little heart desired, and that was a lot.

Well, except for those nights... I'd wake up, usually from an absolutely horrifying dream, and I'd be covered in sweat. Shaking. Barely able to catch my breath. My head would be filled with a mixture of everything you could ever not want in your head. Those nights, I'd usually take a walk across the garrison to my lion and spend the rest of the night there. Somehow though, I had pretty successfully hidden the existence of these episodes from Allura.

_Hopefully, this isn't one of those nights._ I pulled a blanket up to my face and inhaled deeply. Allura's scent had disappeared a few days ago, but I still tried. Trying to push away thoughts of anything, I drifted to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now the intro chapters are out of the way. It was more fun to write from here on.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith's first night back on Earth.

Chapter 3  
Keith's Point of View

 

"Shiro, come in." I tried to keep the overwhelming dread that was consuming my body from reaching into my voice. "Come in, Shiro. This is Keith, are you there?" I sighed at the lack of response. Earth was ahead of me, growing bigger by the second. I'd procrastinated trying to contact Shiro in hopes of destroying anyone's ability to be waiting for me.

"Keith?" Shiro's voice crackled through the communicator in my helmet. "Do you copy?"

"I'm here." I responded. "My ETA is 19 minutes out."

"Oh?" Shiro sounded shocked. "Okay, well, I'll turn on a landing beacon for you. See you on Earth."

"Thank's Shiro, I'll see you soon." The communication link closed. I glanced over at the empty bottle of Galra liquor I had taken from the Blade of Marmora base. Keyword - empty. _I knew I'd regret finishing it. How the hell did I convince myself I wouldn't need the last sip right before I land?_ In spite of my reluctance to do so, I headed towards the signal Shiro had turned on. Towards the mountain of shit I was being forced to face.

****

When I landed in the lion hangar I was shocked by a few things - well not really - I was maybe a little surprised by the fact that only the red and yellow lion were there. Pidge and Allura weren't on the base - a small relief. And also a little surprised that no one was in the hangar, not even Shiro. And not at all surprised by the banner strung between the red and yellow lions' mouths. It was handpainted with 'Welcome Home Keith' splashed across it in black paint and five little smiling lions in the empty spaces around the words. I was, though, thrown off guard by the smile that appeared on my face when I looked at it. It filled me with a warmth that I didn't feel often; for a moment I wanted to jump out of my lion and run to the people that I knew had drawn the atrocious thing.

But then, as quickly and unexpectedly as they came, the feelings vanished. Back to my comfortable hollow with a fit of irritation and rage waiting in the corner. _Now I don't want to get out of my lion at all. I want to sit here for hours or days or fuck it, maybe my whole life. Just out of reach of everyone else and out of touch with any real emotions._

_The sooner I do it, the sooner it's over._

My shoes hit the concrete floor a little more harshly than I had intended. The silence was now becoming unnerving. _This has to be a trick. I swear the fuck - if they're trying to surprise me..._ I walked swiftly across the hangar to the door that lead most directly to the barracks, my footsteps echoed through the large mostly empty room. My heart skipped a beat as I turned the door handle, but it opened to a silent hallway. Then I heard footsteps from further down, as I walked they grew louder until a figure turned a corner up ahead.

"Shiro!" I gasped as if I'd been holding my breath. A warm smile filled his face as he hurried towards me.

"Keith!" He pulled me into a tight hug. "It's been too long. Welcome back." Moving his hands to my shoulders, he took a step back.

"Thanks." I couldn't stop smiling. As much as I really didn't want to be there; most of me, in that moment at least, couldn't deny how much I missed the family that had been forced on me all those years ago. As he looked at me, something flashed in Shiro's eyes.

"Are you okay?" _There it is._ "Long ride?"

"Yeah, yeah it was." That was a lie - it wasn't long enough. My excitement was draining already. "I'm pretty tired actually. Where's my room?"

"Of course, this way." Shiro turned around and I followed him down the hallway to an elevator. We entered it together. "You're on the third floor," he said, pressing the corresponding button. I saw him glance at me as if doing a double-take. "Don't you have any luggage you need to grab first?" Shiro stared at my empty hands then moved his gaze to my face, looking slightly confused.

"No I'm - fine." I wasn't expecting to be questioned, but the fact was I'd left my things in the lion intentionally. I was going to use it as an excuse in case I had to leave y'know a room full of people or something.

"Alright." Shiro sounded kind of amused, like he knew I wasn't saying something but didn't want to pry. The elevator doors opened to the third floor, Shiro stepped out first and headed down the hall to the left. I followed suit. "Noooot muuch furtheeeer." His words were drawn out. He was being weird. "Here we are!"

I looked at the door beside Shiro. 119 was painted on the center of it at eye level. "Cool, thanks," I said, looking suspiciously at the crooked grin on Shiro's face. He swung the door open for me and I was immediately terrified to enter. This was a trap. I took one apprehensive step forward-

"SURPRISE!" _Fuck._ Lance and Hunk had jumped out from either side of the doorway. Hunk was holding a cake that had little lions on it, they strongly resembled the ones on the banner. And Lance - Lance threw a fistful of confetti in my face. I couldn't stop a smile from taking over my preferred look of disdain.

"God dammit..." I breathed as my stupid smile got bigger. Before I knew it I was being pulled into a second hug - this time by Hunk.

"I can't believe it's you!" He squeezed harder before letting go.

"Hey, guys." I glanced around at the three people standing in my room. They were all smiling and looked like the people I'd known so well at one point. But there was something else. Something different that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Before I could dwell on it - or stand awkwardly for much longer - Hunk spoke again.

"So I was gonna throw you this huge party - y'know with lots of food and people and music and stuff." Hunk spoke as he set the cake on the desk that sat against the wall opposite the door. "But uh, Lance said maybe you wouldn't really be up for that the second you landed. So it's just us instead." I looked at Lance. He was leaning against the wall, arms crossed casually, watching Hunk who seemed to be searching for something. He must've felt my gaze, he looked up and we made eye contact.

"Thank you," I said to him, pleading with my eyes that he'd understand how very thankful I was that he'd talked Hunk out of a party. He raised one side of his mouth in a brief crooked smile in response, then went back to watching Hunk. That's when I saw it - the thing that was different. It was something that was missing when they smiled. Something that was replaced with what looked like permanent shadows beneath their eyes. They looked haunted - paler and just not as free. I glanced at Shiro who was sitting in a chair by the one small window. He looked older and tired. Hunk looked thinner, better than the other two, but still different. And Lance - he looked the worst. His smile looked almost painful, and from what I knew of him he was pretty advanced in his skill of smiling through inner turmoil, so that's saying a lot. The bags under his eyes were darker and heavier than the other two. Fuck, he might've looked as bad as me.

"Found it!" Hunk's triumphant announcement shook me out of my thoughts. He was holding a knife in the air looking proud of himself.

"Okay, don't just stand there, I'm starving." Lance stepped towards the desk. "I call first piece, I don't care if it is Keith's cake." I laughed lightly - or tried to but what I heard come out of my mouth was just awkward - and walked across the small room in a few steps and sat on the neatly made bed.

"So where are Pidge and Allura?" I asked no one in particular. I accidentally made quick eye contact with Lance and the look he gave me made my stomach sink. In his messages, he had told me countless times where they were. He was pissed at me. Rightfully so, I guess... but a small piece of me had hoped he'd just understand my silence. As far as I could tell everyone else did, or at least accepted it.

"Pidge should be here in about two days," Shiro started, stretching his arms above his head and sinking lower in the chair. "I haven't heard from Coran or Allura lately. Do you know what's going on with them Lance?" Lance just shrugged, his mouth full of cake.

"Does anyone else want any of this?" Hunk asked, looking from me to Shiro. "Or should I just save it for Pidge?"

"I want some." Shiro leaned forward in his seat to take a piece of cake.

"Aw, man, I should've waited till Pidge got back to make it. She's bringing me vanilla and cinnamon that she found." Hunk had a look of longing in his eyes. "It's real too. I mean that stuff got harder to find after World War III but now, it's practically unheard of." I frowned slightly, feeling guilty about how little I could relate to how he felt. I didn't know much about the state Earth was in. I'd heard bits and pieces but I'd tried to avoid the topic. My eyes fell back on the cake.

"Was it," I stammered, unsure of how to phrase my question. "How much did it take to make that?"

"The cake? Oh not too much." I could tell from his lack of eye contact Hunk was just being modest. "I mean, it took the last of my sugar, but I'd been saving it for something special anyway. And then, I mean I can always use the substitutes. I just really like cooking with real ingredients." He finished, taking a plate of cake and holding it in my direction.

"Thanks, man," I muttered, taking it from him. Looking down at it, I felt undeserving. Also frustratingly emotional. "This means a lot." It really did. So much that my stomach was turning to knots. It was the first time anyone had made me a cake since my dad had died. And not only had Hunk made it for me with the last of things that were clearly valuable to him, he did it after I'd been such a prick.

I suddenly found myself wishing there was a room full of people. That way I could go away unnoticed. _Instead I'm sitting here trying to act normal for three people that mean the world to me but at the same time I just want them to go away. It's fucking stupid. Like I literally wish they could be here and not be here at the same time._

"So." Shiro broke the silence, rescuing me from my spinning brain. "Any plans for this vacation?"

"Vacation?" _This is anything but..._

"Yeah," He continued, sounding perplexed. "Krolia said you earned this time off."

"Oh." I cut him off before he could continue. "Yeah, yeah. Um, I don't know. I guess just relax or something." I didn't know what to say. I was eternally grateful to Krolia for sparing them the details. Not even that, she straight up lied about why I was coming back.

"That sounds nice," Shiro laughed. "I might try and do the same before I head back out." He stretched again and lazily rubbed the back of his neck like it was tense. "Actually, don't take it personally or anything, Keith." He continued, standing up. "But I'm gonna head down to my room, I'm beat." He reached his hand to me and I took it, standing to give him a brief one-armed hug. "I'll see you two around." He waved to Hunk and Lance. "Thanks for the cake, Hunk." He added quickly before the door closed.

I felt Lance looking at me but everytime I looked at him he'd look away. My insides were crawling. There were so many things I wanted to say but I couldn't. Something held me back - the same feeling that had kept me from picking up any of their calls. I suddenly became aware of the plate of untouched cake that was setting beside me. I felt incredibly rude not eating it, but I had serious doubts about my ability to swallow anything solid.

"Guys, I'm sorry, I'm kind of out of it right now." I broke the uncomfortable silence by acknowledging it.

"It's alright buddy," Hunk said warmly, slapping his hand down on my shoulder. "I'm sure it's weird being back again."

"Yeah, you were gone for so long." Lance agreed but the bite in his voice didn't go unnoticed. Then he added, "I'm glad you're back." All passive aggressiveness gone from his tone, like he'd noticed it and felt guilty. This was painful.

"Do you guys have anything to drink?" I asked, trying not to sound too hopeful but I was hopeful... very. I really wanted this to stop being so awkward, and for my stomach to stop feeling like it was full of an uncomfortable mix of rocks, snakes, and a few spots that were void of anything.

"Unfortunately, I do not." Lance avoided my eyes as he crossed the room and sat down in the chair Shiro had left empty. He sank into it as low as he could, his long legs almost touching the bed.

"I do. I don't want it. Like, at all. You guys can have it." Hunk looked between Lance and me.

"Uuuuuh... sure," I answered somewhat hesitantly.

"Yeah, man, what the hell? You've been holding out on me?" Lance's voice was lighthearted.

"No," Hunk responded. "Veronica just gave me it the other day. It's from a family we recently placed, I guess they ran a distillery before - you know - but they gave us each a bottle as thanks. Their cellar was the only part of their old home that hadn't been totally obliterated. We put them in touch with people who can help them start it up again too." He looked far off as he finished talking.

"Cool, where is it?" Lance sat up and leaned forward.

"Oh, it's in my room." Lance gave an exaggerated sigh at Hunk's response and leaned back in the chair again.

"What-?" I looked at Hunk for an explanation.

"It's a decent walk away. I just moved to a newly built section of apartment rooms." He told me. "Dude, I thought you liked walking around for like, hours." He added, looking at Lance.

"I do. But I already did today." Lance got up and went to the door. "Oh well. You up for a walk, Keith?" He asked, leaning against the door handle.

"Um, yeah, sure." I stood up too.

"Okay, let me put this back in the container so I can save some for Pidge and Allura." Hunk said, talking about the cake. I glanced guiltily at the untouched plate on my bed. "I'm not coming the whole way back here after we walk over there."

Soon we were closing my door behind us and walking back down the hallway Shiro had lead me through. As we walked, they gave me a small rundown of how things at the garrison had changed since I left. There were still portions of it being used for teaching and research and stuff like that, but a lot of it had been turned into one room apartments. The wing where I was staying was reserved for people that worked there. New buildings had been put up, slowly turning what used to be solely a military training base into a city. They promised to give me an actual tour some other day.

"Some of the stuff people have been creating out there is pretty cool though." Hunk went on about the market that had formed in the 'new city'. "It's pretty inspiring, I'm glad I'm alive to see it." I got the feeling Hunk was trying to find any good he could in the fucked up situation that was Earth. "Alright, here we are." It had only taken about twenty minutes to reach the door we were now stopped in front of.

"Finally," Lance groaned, pressing his forehead against the wall and letting his arms hang as if he were too tired to hold himself up. I smiled a little at his unnecessary dramatics.

"Oh, calm down." Hunk punched in a code on the panel above his doorknob; the doors in my hallway had key cards. The room behind it was similar to the one I had but much... homier, I guess you'd call it. It had 2 windows, both bigger than my one, the walls were a warm yellow instead of a tannish grey, and all the furniture looked exceptionally more comfortable. One side of the room made up a small kitchen, where in my room was a tiny fridge, sink, and one cabinet.

Lance collapsed onto the bed and threw his arms in the air. "This is so unfair!" He whined. "This bed is - why isn't it mine?" Hunk laughed and walked into the kitchen section. He put the cake away then took a large bottle of clear liquid out of one of the cabinets.

Handing it to me he said, "it's not labeled, but they said it's gin. It's leftover from a test batch." I looked down at the bottle and turned it around in my hands.

"So do you have glasses or are we just gonna pass the bottle around like a bunch of sophomore garrison cadets?" Lance joked, sitting up and crossing his legs. I smiled, already feeling less tense than I had half an hour ago. If I was honest with myself, I would've even admitted to the growing feeling of excitement in the pit of my stomach - the part of me that was ecstatic about being on Earth. About being in a room with Lance and Hunk, about to do something that carried no weight whatsoever. But I'd never admit that - _well maybe if I drink half this bottle, but definitely not sober._

I looked over to see Hunk setting two cups on the bedside table beside Lance. "Aw, come on, man! You're not gonna drink with us? It's the first time we've seen Keith and his stupid face in over a year, I think that calls for a drink."

"No thanks." Hunk waved his hand dismissively. Lance sighed loudly.

"Look how disappointed he is!" Lance gestured in my direction. I laughed slightly and raised my eyebrows at Hunk.

"Oh, fine." Hunk gave in and grabbed another cup from the cabinet. "But just one - well one half. I hate drinking, it makes my nightmares worse." My brow furrowed slightly at his last comment. I was tempted to ask him about it, but resisted. I didn't want to share my demons, so I wasn't gonna force anyone else to talk about theirs. Instead, I just opened the bottle I'd been holding and poured a few ounces into the cup. "Woah, I said half, not five," Hunk laughed. Then I walked to the remaining two cups and filled them over half full.

"Shit, Keith!" Lance exclaimed when he picked his up. "I didn't know it was gonna be that kinda night." He definitely didn't sound like he was complaining.

"Dude, it's always that kind of night," I muttered half to myself. Lance looked like he wanted to say something but didn't.

"Well okay then." He raised his glass in front of him. "Toooooo, Keith's dramatic return and Hunk being the shit." I could hear bitterness in Lance's voice. I looked down at the clear liquid I was holding, guilt burning in my gut, before taking a large sip. The contrast between it and the galra liqour I was used to was large. It was much thinner and burnt more going down. It had a pleasant floral taste that was difficult to pinpoint. The galra stuff was thick and tasted strongly of licorice and smoke. The gin was a very welcome change.

As the night went on, thankfully the tension eased. Lance's tone of voice lightened and for a moment, it was almost like the times we spent in the castle of lions, before things got too serious. Hunk didn't take more than two sips of his drink but we didn't push it. Before I knew it my glass was empty. My insides felt comfortably warm and my head was fuzzy and content.

"Shit," Lance groaned as he stretched his arms above his head. "I think I'm gonna piss then head back to my room before I forget where it is." He stood carefully and walked through the door behind me.

"He doesn't drink this much usually," Hunk half-whispered. I could hear the laughter in his voice.

"Really?" I grinned. "I guess I'll walk back with him." I stood up and the warmth of alcohol spread to my limbs.

"You guys can stay here if you want." Hunk offered. "But you'd have to sleep on the-" He was cut off when Lance burst dramatically out of the bathroom.

"No! You keep your ungodly-ly soft bed." He was feigning annoyance and sloppily trying to put his shoes back on, which had been removed at some point I guess. "I'll go sleep in my empty, cold, not yellow room."

"Suit yourself," Hunk laughed and gave me a quick hug. "I missed you, man. See you tomorrow."

"See ya, man." I smiled and attempted to follow Lance through the door but he stopped abruptly.

"Wait!" He gasped as I bumped into him. "Keith! Grab that!" He pointed in the direction of the gin sitting on the desk. Hunk quickly grabbed it and shoved it into my hands.

"There you go! Good night guys!" He ushered us out the door and shut it behind us. I laughed inwardly and Lance and I started down the hallway. We walked for a few minutes of silence that was slowly becoming awkward.

"Gimme that," Lance mumbled and motioned towards the bottle I was carrying. I gave it to him and watched as he opened it and took more than a sip. His face screwed up a bit as he swallowed. A smirk formed on my face as he tried and failed to put the cork back on the gin.

"Lance, are you drunk?" I asked, supressing laughter.

"Psssshhh... you are." The ultimate drunk comeback.

"Here." I reached for the bottle and cork he was fumbling with. In the exchange our hands brushed eachothers and my stomach twinged slightly. _Fuck._ I took a long drink from the bottle before successfully recapping it, hoping the alcohol would drown the unfair emotion that had decided to reappear. "You don't drink much do you?"

Lance exhaled loudly before responding. "Nah. Sometimes. Allura doesn't like it too much."

"How are you guys?" _I don't really wanna know the answer to that. Why the hell did I say that? I'm trying to bury this fucked up feeling, not add fuel to it._ Lance just shrugged a response.

"She's been gone for awhile." He sounded kind of vacant. "I don't think I miss her as much as I should. But y'know-" he added quickly. "At least she still calls me while she's gone." _Shit._

"Lance," I started quietly but he kept going.

"Like, I know we weren't like dating or anything but - holy shit - you're a fuckin' dick!" He was glaring at me, swaying slightly as we waited for the elevator that would take us to the hall that held my room.

The doors opened and we went inside. Lance's anger filled the tiny space and he smashed the 'floor 3' button roughly. "You're not even just a dick!" He continued and I sighed, knowing I deserved whatever he had to say. "You're like the biggest - worst friend ever!" I could tell his drunk brain was having a difficult time finding words. He was getting pretty loud, though, and we were about to walk down a hallway full of rooms that held sleeping people.

"Lance," I said a little more loudly. He crossed his arms and the elevator lurched causing him to stumble sideways but the railing kept him from falling. "Lance," I said again.

"What!?" he snapped, still not looking at me.

"I-" I was interupted by the elevator doors opening.

"Yep." Lance walked out before me. He looked like he was trying to walk angrily and with purpose but the alcohol was preventing it from being affective. I followed him and soon we were in front of my room. Lance was facing me, still looking pissed.

"Wait, where's your room?" I asked. His response was to wave his hand in the air like there was a bug beside his face. I had no idea what he meant by that. "Um, okay..." Suddenly his expression changed. He no longer looked angry, but still upset, almost empty. Before I realized what was happening, I was pulled into an awkward hug. Awkward due to the fact that Lance was wasted and kind of choking me and also due to the rather large bottle of gin I was still holding. Also, he was stepping on my foot.

"I missed you," Lance mumbled and squeezed me tighter. I didn't know what to do. My stomach was spinning and the alcohol was making me not trust myself to react or say something. It was too much. I was being bombarded with feelings that I had tried so hard to lock away. The hug was lasting too long, I'm sure drunk Lance just didn't notice, but I sure as shit did. It was far too long - well in reality it was probably only a few seconds but - it was long enough for me to start noticing it, to actually feel it. I was painfully aware of the body pressed against mine. His hair brushing against one side of my face, his arm awkwardly smashed against the other. His body heat making its way through our clothes. The aggravatingly small amount of space between our hips. I could feel him breathing, and when I breathed in - I could smell him - it made my head swim.

Finally he stepped back and I tried desperately to not look as dazed as I felt. Lance just stood for a moment, probably trying to remember what he was doing, then turned and walked back down the hall. I sighed and was about to go into my room but he stopped again. "Wait, your room's right there?" I asked stupidly. He looked back at me, frowned slightly, then looked back at the door as if checking to make sure it was.

"Yes, jeez. I think you drank too much," he slurred and I grinned to myself. As I stood there watching him try and fail to unlock his door, I felt an overwhelming urge to stop him. I wanted to pull him into my room and tell him how sorry I was. Plead with him until he understood why I left. I wanted him to know how fucked up I was. I wanted to tell him I'd listened to all of his messages - repeatedly - and that I didn't respond because of me, not him. _But I can't do that. I can say sorry... I guess, but nothing else._

I let myself into my room and sat down heavily on the bed. The cake I hadn't eaten was still there. And the confetti that had been thrown in my face littered the floor. _Welcome home you stupid fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing drunk stuff. This is probably the last update before the new year. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied, here's another update.

Chapter 4  
Lance's Point of View

 

I groaned as some loud noise drug me out of sleep. The room started spinning before I even opened my eyes. _What is beeping... beeping... Oh, shit!_ It was my communicator. I opened my eyes, squinting them instantly against the harsh light - my lights were on. _Why are the lights on?_

"Shit." I groaned again and rolled over, reaching for my phone. My hand connected painfully with the bedside table. "Shit-" I hissed again. My phone stopped beeping for a few seconds then started again. It had to be Allura, no one else would call twice. 

"Where is it?" I was digging through my blankets and sheets haphazardly, trying to ignore the spinning room and the increasingly uneasy feeling in my stomach. I swiped my hand under my pillows and felt something hard. My phone - looking at the screen, it was Allura calling. I quickly rubbed my eyes and ran my hands through my hair before answering. As if that was going to do any real improvements... I touched the 'accept' icon and Allura's face filled the screen.

"Lance! What - are you okay?" She frowned slightly. Looking at her flawlessly put together face and hair made me more aware of how awful I must've looked.

"Yeah, why? I was just sleeping," I grumbled, trying to stifle a burp I felt coming. Cause it probably had some puke behind it based on how extremely nauseous I was becoming. My mouth was getting dry, begging me to swallow but I refused.

"Sleeping?" Allura started to look concerned. "I thought it was ten in the morning there - why are you still sleeping? Are you ill? You don't look well."

"No, I'm fine," I answered, trying to breathe steadily through my nose in an attempt to calm my nausea. "I just, uh. Keith got home last night and Hunk - we were up late." The thought of the night before was enough to make my stomach heave but luckily I fought it successfully... in that it was dry... and I don't think Allura noticed it for what it was.

"Oh. Are you sure you're okay?" I nodded, no longer trusting my mouth being open. "Well," she started with a heavy sigh, "I'm afraid I have some news that's not the greatest." I brought my hand to cover my mouth, trying to look casually concerned about what she had to say. But really I was hoping the extra barrier would be enough to convince my stomach that it was completely fine leaving its contents right where they were. "I know we were planning on being home in a few days," she continued, "but there've been a few unforeseen hold-ups." She frowned slightly and looked to the side. When she looked back her expression softened. "I'm so sorry Lance. I miss you terribly, but - we'll see each other soon. A few more weeks at the most." She tried to sound optimistic but I could tell she was sad.

"I miss you, too." I attempted a smile but honestly, I'm not sure how it turned out. I could feel sweat beading together around my temples. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." She smiled at my words, eyes shining in a strangely depressing way.

"Well I must be going. I'll check in with you soon. No more sleeping till ten, okay? I love you."

"Love you, too, Lura." The screen went black and I threw it to the side, scrambling out of bed as fast as I could. I took one step towards the bathroom and found myself on the floor. Pain radiated through my elbow. It must've hit the table beside the bed as I fell. I pushed myself up and furiously kicked my feet free of the blanket that had tripped me. Never being able to fully recover from the fall, I half ran half crawled the rest of the way to the toilet.

I threw up a few times then sat back trying to steady my breathing. I wiped my watering eyes on the back of my hand and tried to decide if I was okay enough to stand. The room was no longer spinning and I felt significantly better. My vomit induced cold sweat was making me start to shiver, so I slowly stood up and went to the sink. After rinsing my mouth a few times, I filled a cup with water and drank it before returning to bed.

I turned my lights off and curled up under my twisted mound of blankets. Only then did my conversation with Allura fully register and my stomach sank. _A few more weeks..._ A horrible thought began to form in the back of my mind. I refused to think it aloud... but I knew there was something not quite right about how Allura being gone was making me feel. I missed her, I really did. But... _fuck, what's wrong with me._

Thinking about my 'possibly' waning feelings for Allura was making me feel sick all over again so I tried my best to push the thoughts away and let myself fall asleep.

 

****

 

Three days had passed since Allura told me her return had been postponed again. I hadn't told anyone, figuring I would if they asked, but not going out of my way to bring it up. Pidge had gotten home last night but she only had time for a few quick 'hello's' before she went to see her mom. She promised she'd be back soon for an actual reunion. It would be good.

I leaned forward and quickly rubbed my hands through my hair to rid it of the excess shower water. It was no longer dripping soooo - good enough. I stepped into my pants and pulled a shirt over my head. Sighing, and not even bothering to look in the mirror, I stepped out of the bathroom. 

Glancing around my room, I couldn't help but notice how much of a mess it was. The blankets on the bed were in a knotted heap; dirty clothes were strewn across the floor; the trashcan was overflowing; all of my small number of dishes were dirty and stacked in the sink; empty boxes of cereal were gathered on practically every piece of furniture - I mean, which is only like three, but still.

Allura would not be happy.

_Whatever... I'll clean later._

I grabbed my sweatshirt off the back of the desk chair and walked out into the hallway. As I shrugged it onto my shoulders I glanced down the hall towards Keith's room, wondering if he'd left yet. _Maybe I should check._ All of us were planning to go into New City today, mainly to show Keith around.

_He probably already left_ \- I knew I was running late. I shoved my hands into my pockets and turned to walk away. A door opened and closed somewhere behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw it was Keith. He jumped when he noticed me.

"Oh, hey." He smiled lightly and I waited for him to catch up to me.

"Hey," I said in return as we started down the hall together. Glancing sideways, I noticed Keith looked kind of uncomfortable. "So why are you back here, anyway?" _Why did I say that? What the shit, that's not even what I was thinking! 'Look, Lance, Keith looks awkward, let's be passively confrontational.' I thought I was trying to let go of my resentment - guess not, word vomit, thanks a fuckin' lot._

"Wha... what?" Keith looked confused and kind of hurt as we stepped into the elevator. He must be tired or something, he's not even getting snappy.

"I don't know, um..." _I'm not sure how to twist that into not sounding rude. Can I just take back the question? Maybe replace it with 'How's your day going, buddy?' y'know something normal..._ "Like, uh, did you-"

"Lance, I'm sorry," Keith interrupted my stammering. I just stared at him. The elevator jerked to a halt. "I'm really sorry," he repeated, sounding sad and defeated, also honest and guilty. It made me feel a little sad for him but I couldn't deny that it brought me some sick joy as well. "I don't wanna talk about it, but please-" Then I cut him off as we stepped out of the elevator.

"It's cool, man." I tried to sound as lighthearted as I could. "Just forget about it." I couldn't tell if he trusted my act or not but he did look slightly uplifted. Maybe he was just happy I'd rather pretend nothing was wrong. I wished it wasn't pretending. 

It was weird, I knew I was annoyed and hurt by him - which I guess I could let go of, or at least start to, since he apologized. Even if it was kinda half-assed... But I wasn't prepared for the strange feeling I'd had the past few days. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew it came from the many messages I had left Keith. After a few months of him not responding, and me doubting he was even getting them - let alone listening to them - I started occasionally saying things that I wouldn't have said if he were in front of me. Like I opened up cause... it felt safe, I guess, to say things to someone that basically didn't exist.

And now, being in the same room as him makes me feel almost violated? But also not? It makes me feel closer to him... but also not. _Like, I don't even know if he listened to a single one of them! I mean, it's not like it'd be that big of a deal if he had, it's just. I don't know where we stand, I guess..._

It was windy, hot, and dry outside the climate controlled buildings. The air smelled slightly metallic. I don't know what caused it but it was just part of the new normal.

"So, it's like a forty-five minute walk from here, you up for it orrrr?" Keith and I were already so late that Shiro and Hunk had left without us.

"Doesn't matter," Keith answered, nodding hello to a group of cadets walking past us.

"Okay, we'll walk." I put my hands in my pockets and started towards the road that led to New City. 

I was beginning to feel uneasy, my heartbeat became noticeable. I let out a sigh of frustration at the feeling. It wasn't coming from anything in particular - it just happened - which made it all the more irritating. I thought today was going to be a good day cause I didn't wake up with it. 

_Shit, maybe it'll go away. Not likely. Walking usually helps, though. I mean, at least a little. It keeps the anxiousness right on the edge - like I can't tip into panic if my body's focused on walking. Then eventually it gets tired of threatening my sanity and the feeling goes away. Then I go to sleep._

"So... everything seems pretty different now." I glanced at Keith as he spoke. He looked kinda uncomfortable again.

"Well you were gone for twenty months." He opened his mouth as if to say something but then closed it and scowled, averting his eyes away from me. A gust of wind blew across the ground, penetrating my clothes and whipping Keith's hair in all directions. It died down for a second but started picking up again. 

_Shit._

"Cover your face!" I called and pulled my hood around to cover my mouth and nose. I shut my eyes tightly just as a cloud of dirt and sand swallowed us. The wind whistled in my ears and little needles of sand pelted my exposed skin for an amount of time that felt much longer than it was. When it finally died down I heard Keith coughing.

"Fuck," he gasped and spit before coughing again. I opened my eyes and saw him on all fours, covered in tan dirt.

"Are you okay?" I took my jacket off and shook it out forcefully, though it really didn't do much to improve its condition. Keith's choking relaxed and he sat back on his heels, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth. It left a streak of mud across his chin and cheek. I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous he looked.

"What?" he snapped, still trying to catch his breath.

"You look like you had a seizure in a giant dust bath." His jacket was twisted and sliding off one arm; his hair was so crazy there was no way to describe it; the mud and dirt on his face; his pants and shirt and shoes - every part of him was filthy. "Like a dying chinchilla."

"Yeah, you don't look much better." I'm sure I didn't, but that didn't make him look any less hilarious.

"Now that can't possibly be true." I brought my hand to my chest, feigning offense. "A little dust couldn't possibly mar this image of perfection." Keith snorted. "If anything, it adds to it. Y'know, gives me that ruggedly handsome look that you can't quite seem to pull off."

"Jesus, shut up," Keith said through another coughing fit. "You couldn't look rugged even if you lived alone in the woods for three years." He scowled at me and I had to fight the smile pulling at my lips.

"Just because I wouldn't use it as an excuse to stop trying to look good." The words stirred something in the back of my mind as they left my mouth. I hadn't been making any effort to look good and I wasn't alone or in the woods or incapable. I just didn't. I did the minimum. I hadn't even cut my hair in about a year. The thoughts sat uncomfortably in my gut. "But really, I didn't think the gusts were supposed to be strong today, I would've brought masks." I offered Keith my hand and pulled him up.

"Shit." Keith coughed again and attempted to brush himself off.

"You didn't breath any in did you? That shit's still pretty toxic."

"What!?" He looked at me with wide eyes. "Yes I fucking breathed it in - are you serious?"

"Yeah." It was difficult to keep a smile off my face. "Don't worry though, you'll be fine. It's no where near as bad as it used to be." I slapped him roughly on the back a few times, causing him to cough again. He groaned annoyance, shrugged away and trudged on ahead of me. I grinned to myself and followed with my hands resting on the back of my head. His little tantrum left me with a sense of accomplishment. It was a pretty serious tantrum too, he didn't talk to me the rest of the long walk to New City.

Thankfully there were no more annoying dust squalls - another new normal for the fucked up new version of home.

 

We walked under the large archway that marked the entrance of Market Street. It was a makeshift looking thing - like most of the structures in this town - made up of rusty old machine parts and pipes. At night it lit up with fluorescent neon lights. It was a quiet day, though, a few large groups of people were gathered at the stalls selling fresh fruit, but the rest of the street was pretty sparse.

"Welcome to New City." I turned to Keith, gesturing towards the buildings and vendor stalls in front of us. "The creativity behind the name is just shocking, I know. But you can find some half decent shit to do around here."

"This isn't what I expected." I followed Keith's eyes to see he was looking between two buildings at a man lying propped up against a dumpster. He was either homeless or passed out drunk already - well, maybe both.

"What were you expecting?" I watched him take in more of our surroundings.

"I don't know." I saw him scanning the tops of the tall buildings that sheltered the market.

"Something less post-apocalyptic shanty town - ie?" Keith was still gazing around his mouth slightly open. I nudged my shoulder into his. "C'mon. Let's go find the others." We started walking again. "Ya know," I started as a drone whizzed past our faces, "I've imagined quite a few post-apocalyptic scenarios for Earth in my day. But I've gotta admit, I was not expecting one where this much technology survived." 

"I thought there'd be more aliens." There were a few around, a couple manning vendor stalls, but nothing compared to the variety or number that had been on Earth when Keith left.

"Yeah, there were a lot in the beginning. I think the novelty of a new race and planet wore off after a bit. Especially since everything's pretty much a total wreck. We don't get many tourists, a few races are helping us reorganize but you don't see many." I glanced at Keith and noticed he was now focused on the people we passed. Most of them were staring.

"Are they-" Keith started but was interrupted when a woman and her child cut us off. They were wide-eyed and smiling. My stomach dropped.

"Are you? I'm sorry, my son, he-" She stammered, looking flustered.

"You're Paladins!" The boy chimed in, jumping up and down. I looked at Keith and his face reflected how awkward I felt inside, but I just smiled politely.

"I wasn't sure - the dirt and all-" her eyes scanned us up and down, "but you are, aren't you?" _God, I hate this shit..._ "We, we - can I just thank you? Thank you so much. It's an honor to meet you." Her hands were clasped in front of her as if pleading. "Can he get a picture? If it's not too much?" She placed a hand on top of her son's head.

"Um-"

"Sure!" I interrupted Keith and kneeled down, trying my hardest not to portray how this made me want to curl up and die. "C'mere little man!" The boy took a step forward and stood between us as his mother fumbled with her phone. I grabbed Keith's sleeve and yanked him down to kneel beside us.

"Okay, okay." The woman breathed and held up her phone. "Say Voltron!"

"Voltron," I said through grit teeth- praying to hell my smile didn't look like the screaming going on in my head.

"Got it!" I stood and the boy hopped back to his mom's side. He was beaming. The look on his face triggered my guilt to start setting in. "Thank you so much! Bless you both!" She smiled and they walked off. I let out a heavy sigh once they were out of earshot.

"Damn..." I turned to Keith, who still looked dumbstruck. "Ha, y'know that's probably one shit picture, look at us," I laughed, trying to calm my nerves.

"Was that - does that happen a lot?" Keith asked, looking in the direction where the woman and boy disappeared.

"Eh, sometimes." I shrugged. "It's mainly stares, and free food and drinks. Most of the locals are used to us now, thankfully." I hated the attention. I always thought I wanted it, but it was smothering. It made my skin crawl.

"That kid was so happy..." He was frowning, looking far off.

"Yeah. Shall we?" I turned my palms up in front of me, motioning that we continue walking.

It wasn't long before I heard someone calling our names. It was Shiro. He and Hunk were coming out of a small place that served food. I should've known they'd be there, Hunk loved it and was friends with the owners.

"Hey guys - woah!" Hunk took in our appearance and started laughing.

"Did you get caught in a dust storm? Is that why you're so late?" Shiro teased. "Here I thought you were taking your time trying to look nice for once."

"Ha-ha, yeah-yeah, we're covered in dirt, we know. Did you guys eat already?" I wasn't hungry but wanted to get out of the street. I could feel more people staring now that it was the four of us.

"We did, but you guys can grab something if you want." I raised an eyebrow at Keith hoping he'd say yes. But before he could respond, we were interrupted again.

"Lance!" I turned around and saw Veronica jogging towards us. My heart sank. "There you are." She slowed to a stop and waved hello to the others. "Hey can I - wow you're a mess - can I talk to you?"

"Um..." I looked from Keith to Shiro to Hunk. "Yeah, I guess. You guys go ahead without me. I'll catch up." Veronica turned and I followed her down the street a few paces. "What's up?"

"I think you know," she snapped. "Why didn't you give Mama an answer yet?"

"An answer? To what?" I didn't know what she was talking about. It was probably some message I had ignored.

"Lance, come on!" She stopped and turned to me. "Stop being like this. Please!"

"Like what?" I was arguing but I knew what she meant.

"She just wants you to be there for Christmas!"

"But why? What the hell is Christmas, no one does that shit anymore!"

"You know she's doing it for the kids!" She hissed, her face suddenly livid. The way the anger displayed on her face reminded me strongly of of the way it looked on our mom's. It gave me flashbacks of being grounded as a kid. "She's trying to give them some semblance of normalcy! And all she wants is for you to show up! Then you can skulk around all you want, no one gives a damn!" She glared at me, expecting a response but I had none. She was right and I had no excuses.

"I-I don't..."

"Ya don't what, Lance?" The amount of bitterness she fit into her enunciation of my name was impressive. "You don't care?"

"No! What the hell - I care!"

"You sure don't seem like it! When's the last time you saw Mama?" Her eyes searched my face but I didn't answer. "Do you know how much you're hurting her? She already had to lose you once, asshole. Why are we losing you again?" I crossed my arms and looked away. "Whatever." She huffed and turned on her heel to storm off, but stopped. "Y'know - you better fuckin' be there, Lance. I'm serious." Then she continued walking and I made no attempt to stop her.

"Ugh, what the shit," I groaned into my hands, then ran them back through my hair. I felt a few pieces of dirt fall as I did so. I felt awful. I wasn't intentionally avoiding my family... well not really... 

_I just don't want to be around them anymore. I still love them. I miss them. But something is holding me back. It's uncomfortable being around them. Like, they make me want to scream and jump out a window._

_Spending time with them is like someone taking my old life and everything I lost and throwing it in my face._

_And I feel so guilty - I love them so much - I don't want to hurt them - it's just - fuck - it's so hard. I just can't do it anymore._

_And they all just wanna ask how I'm doing and how's work going and talk about Allura and how great she is and how lucky I am... and I just sit there trying my hardest to not let my inner battle against a panic attack show on my face._

"Hey, Lance." It was Hunk. "Is everything okay? Veronica seemed upset." I nodded and swallowed.

"Yeah, man, everything's fine." A forced smile on my face. "Now." I slapped a hand down on Hunk's shoulder. "Let's go show Keith how we run this shithole town."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my version of this I imagine the Galra invasion left Earth in a pretty messed up state like changing climate and killing lots of plant and animal life, just severely altering the ecosystems. It was fun for me to think about. And I like picturing New City as a cool mix of steampunk and cyberpunk.  
> As always, thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy it!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super blah but necessary for plot shit.  
> Thankfully it's short.

Chapter 5  
Keith's Point of View

 

Rain was coming. Apparently it was a big deal. But not as big of a deal as it was before. The Garrison used to put up the particle barrier during the infrequent downpours, but now it just went into lock-down. The rain wasn't as dangerous as it used to be - but that didn't mean you'd want to get it on you. The sirens went off about three hours before it was supposed to start, and the lock-down would last for a few hours after it stopped - until the sun had dried up most of it. 

At least, that's what Shiro told me.

I walked through the halls to one of the common rooms near the cafeteria. The whole place was much busier than usual with everyone being stuck inside. It took me about three times longer than it should have because of how many times I had to stop and talk to someone. 

The room itself was also pretty crowded. There was a person in almost every seat, some were eating bowls of what looked like bland instant oatmeal or drinking cups of the instant coffee that the cafeteria offered. This room had large windows lining the outside wall - which is why I and I assume many of the other people had gone there in the first place. People were lined up watching the swirling clouds outside.

I found an unoccupied spot at the edge of a window near the corner of the room. The sky and clouds looked unnatural for Earth. It reminded me more of the cosmic storms than of the downpours I remember. Hues of orange and sickly green were competing with the grey. The sun was completely blocked by the storm, casting the world outside into an eerie light. It looked like a bad dream.

"Oh, look, there's Keith." I turned to see Hunk walking towards me, Lance trailing behind him - a cup of coffee in each hand and a strange wide-eyed look on his face. "Come to see what all the hub-bub's about?"

"Here, take this." Lance held a cup in my direction. "I was trying to be nice and get one for Hunk but he already had some." I took it. The warmth spread through the cup to my hand in a pleasant way. It wasn't cold, but I felt like I could shiver. There was a strange energy in the room. I couldn't tell if it was from the storm or the large number of people in the small space.

"Thanks," I said to Lance, but I don't think he noticed. His eyes were darting around the room - he seemed anxious.

"Wanna head over to my apartment?" Hunk asked. "It's not as crowded and I have windows."

"Uh, I might just go back to my room..." Lance was looking into his cup as he swirled its contents.

"Why, so you can just sleep all day?" Some of the coffee spilled over the edge and onto Lance's hand, so he stopped and Looked at Hunk.

"I mean... the likelihood is high." Lance was grinning but I could tell he wasn't joking.

"Let's go before I have to have another conversation with someone that knows me but I don't have a clue who they are." I nodded towards the door and we left.

I assumed Lance had decided against going back to bed because he was still with us when we entered Hunk's room. The differences between Hunk's and my rooms were even more striking now that I'd been living in mine for over a week. Lance collapsed dramatically on the bed again - spilling more of his coffee. Hunk went to the edge of the windows and pulled open the blinds. The rain had started falling sometime during our walk. He then sat at his desk, doing something on his communicator. Lance sat up and moved to the chair by the window.

"This shit sucks," he muttered, his chin resting on the windowsill.

"The rain? Why?" I took a step closer to the window.

"How doesn't it?" A small amount of condensation formed on the glass as Lance sighed. He had a distant look in his eyes and the shadows beneath them were even more noticeable than usual. I averted my eyes back to the scene outside. Puddles were already beginning to form. The rain drops themselves were more noticeable than before - like they were less transparent but not completely opaque. There was a thick haze hovering above the ground.

I took a sip of my coffee - it was mediocre at best - the silence in the room was obvious. To me at least. Lance was still in a daze staring out the window and Hunk was looking intently at his phone, brow furrowed. I wondered what he was doing.

"Hey, Hunk, do you ever talk to Shay?" He looked up at me from his phone.

"Hm? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm actually going to visit that Balmera soon. We're working out the details, but a few people have been playing with the idea of moving some cities underground and the Balmerans would give great insight if we ever move forward with it - of course, living underground here wouldn't compare to living on a Balmera but still. Plus, I'll take any excuse to see her." His face was soft as he finished speaking.

"Y'know," Lance started talking, still not moving his head from the windowsill, "that feels like twenty years ago."

"We were like two twenty years ago," Hunk laughed. "But, yeah, I know what you mean. It's almost like it was a different lifetime."

"Real rain was like a dream in a different lifetime." Lance's voice was quiet and tight. "I can't even remember what it smells like and that was the best part."

"I know what you mean. There are some things I forget even ever existed until someone brings it up." I felt out of place listening to the conversation I had unintentionally provoked. I was definitely not sentimental about the life I had on Earth before everything - but thinking about it still left an uncomfortable sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Lance finally sat back from the window then looked at me for a few seconds before he spoke.

"I was so homesick the whole time we were gone." He looked out the window again. "But being here..." he trailed off quietly.

"You get the same feeling when you think about space?" Hunk chimed in nonchalantly. "Me too, dude. Pidge and I talked about that a lot when Matt left." He barely looked up from his phone as he spoke.

"Can we talk about something else?" Lance's suggestion sent a wave of relief through me. The distance I had put between myself and them was glaringly obvious to me in that moment. It made me hate myself a little more than I already did. I couldn't relate to missing space or to the stresses that went along with living on Earth. My experience of the aftermath of everything was vastly different than Hunk's or Lance's.

"How long is Pidge staying with her mom?" I let out a shaky breath. My chest felt tight like I'd been holding my breath and didn't realize it.

"Oh, till her dad's done with whatever he's working on right now." Hunk answered. I moved to sit on the empty bed. "He's soon done - she said a few more days maybe."

No one spoke after that - my attempt at light conversation a giant failure. Hunk was engrossed in whatever he was doing on his phone. Lance was watching the rain, emanating so much misery that it was making me irritable. Not at him - maybe at myself - maybe at life in general. At the fucked up situation it put us in. As if being forced to save the universe wasn't trying enough - and fucking believe me, it is no where near as glamorous as people would want you to think.

Lance pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs; his eyes still fixed beyond the window. The sight made my heart twinge. Then the room felt suffocating.

_Jesus fuck, being on Earth sucks ass._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a couple more chapter of angsty depressing stuff then it's uphill with the positivity and cuteness.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance has a bad night and Keith just tries to not make it worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, cause Keith is drunk so I got to make his thoughts and actions a little erratic.   
> Hope you like it too!

Chapter 6  
Keith's Point of View

 

I was heading out the main entrance of the Garrison, intending on walking to the city, but I was stopped by Shiro calling my name. I turned and saw him hurrying towards me, the look on his face was one I couldn't interpret.

"Are you heading outside?" He asked as he got closer.

"Yeah, I was going to walk into the city."

"Oh, let me drive you, it'll take no time," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Besides, I think they're calling for for heavy wind gusts today, anyway."

"Sure." We walked outside, stopping to hold the door for a couple behind us, then in the direction of the garages.

Not much was said on the ride to the city and as we walked through the arch to Market Street, I was beginning to suspect Shiro wanted to talk about something specific.

"I spoke to Krolia yesterday." _Oh fuck. I was right._ We had just taken seats at a small table in the restaurant they had shown me on my first trip into New City. Shiro was looking at me expectantly from across the table.

"Oh yeah? How's she?" I picked up the top piece of bread from my sandwich and let it fall back down again.

"Concerned. She says you're not taking her calls." He stirred the bowl of soup in front of him, then took a careful spoonful of it to his mouth. I think he was trying to be casual and not let on to how much he knew about why I was here. "She's worried about you."

I still said nothing. _How could he trap me like this?_

"She wants to know that sending you here wasn't a mistake." He looked at me softly. I clenched my jaw and looked away, making a conscious effort to not allow my hands to form into fists. "Keith, it's okay if you're struggling."

"I'm not-" I hissed but didn't know what to say. My leg started tapping under the table and I bit the tip of my thumb, shaking my head.

"I'm not here to lecture you, you can calm down." He reached his hand across the table and placed it on my forearm. "You know I'm here for you. I'm not going to judge you. You're not alone in how you're feeling - trust me - I know it feels like you are but hear me, you are not." He was staring at me, a meaningful look in his eyes but I don't think I was getting it. He moved his hand from my wrist and sat back in his chair. "Now can you just eat something? I hate feeling like I'm your dad."

"Oh shut up - we all know you live for it." He laughed and shook his head. I was relieved by how quickly my anger dissipated.

"Speaking of 'we' - not trying to drag this out or anything but - don't hesitate to talk to the others. We're all in the same boat, I think." There was a hint of remorse in his voice.

 

We ate and talked about nothing important. It was the most normal I'd felt in a long time; probably the closest I was capable of coming to being reminiscent of my old life. It reminded me of how grateful I was to have Shiro. I hadn't abandoned him to the extent I had the others, but I still forced a distance between us that hadn't been there before. He gave me hope that I could repair it.

We walked out of the restaurant and towards the reason I had been coming here in the first place. A vendor, that sold alcohol. I had found him days ago and this wasn't my first returning visit. When I stopped in front of the stand, Shiro looked from me to the bottles and back again, frowning.

"Thought you weren't gonna judge me." I turned my back to him and waved at the merchant.

"Just because I'm not judging you doesn't mean I agree with what you're doing." Shiro talked as I looked through the bottles. From what I'd learned so far - selection was limited. The merchant had told me he tries to keep a constant supply of meade and usually one or two liquors for sale depending on what he can find. But I was a little disheartened to see only whiskey... a very light colored and unappealing looking one at that. Oh well... I bought two bottles and turned back to Shiro.

"Ready?" I walked past him towards where we had entered the city. I was fighting back a small seed of guilt, redirecting it with a coldness towards Shiro.

"Keith, c'mon. I don't care that you drink - it's how you're coping. It's not necessarily the best way, but I know you'll be okay." 

I ignored him.

 

*****

 

I sat on the floor, my back leaning against my bed, absently scrolling through the messages Lance had sent me. There were 67. Part of me wished there was a new one. 

I took the last sip from my glass of whiskey and tossed my phone to the floor. A soft knock at my door startled me more than it should have. I waited till the adrenaline died down before standing up to see who it was. When I pulled the door open, there was no one behind it. _There's no way I drank enough to be hearing things..._ I stepped out and glanced down the hall, Lance was walking a few paces past his room.

"Lance," I hissed. He stopped and turned, his motions jerky. "Did you knock on my door?" _Sometimes my questions are just so dumb..._

"Yeah." I heard him mutter, then he put one hand over his mouth. The other crossed over his chest and grabbed the opposite shoulder. Something was wrong. Besides his strange posture, even at a distance I could see he was pale.

"Come here, what's wrong?" As he got closer, I noticed his eyes were wide and bloodshot, but not like he'd been crying.

"Sorry, I saw - saw your light -" he stammered as he entered my room. I closed the door behind us.

"It's fine, I was awake." He was just standing in the middle of my room, avoiding my gaze, grabbing his arms with his hands, and he looked like maybe he was shaking. "Are you okay?" He started pacing and I could hear a sharp inhale with every breath he took.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." Light reflected a thin layer of sweat on his forehead. He hastily removed his jacket and let it fall to the floor as if it offended him. That's when I realized what was happening.

"Are you - having a panic attack?" I asked awkwardly, but I was actually getting pretty concerned. Lance shook his head back and forth.

"No. No." He mumbled. "I - I think. It's over, I -" He took a visibly shaky breath in and I stepped towards him. He stopped pacing but still didn't meet my eyes. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to take his hands, to make him know I'm here and I'll fucking do anything to make him feel better, I wanted to hold him - but I'm pretty sure any of that would just be weird... I wanted to force him to feel better, like I wished there was something I could just jam my knife through and it would fix him.  
I settled with putting my hands on his shoulders. I could feel him trembling with nervous energy.

"Lance," I said, trying to get him to look at me. "You're okay." He shook his head once and bit his lip. "Just breathe." _I'm probably being very not helpful but, jesus christ, I want him to feel better._ Before I could comprehend what was happening - Lance leaned forward until our chests were pressed together and his head was on my shoulder. His arms were just hanging at his sides and when I became aware of mine, they were just awkwardly being held inches above Lance's back, not touching him. I was so fucking tense and he had to have felt it.

"Sorry, I'm not trying to be weird, I just-" His words were muffled by my shoulder. I tried my best to relax, and then... then I patted his back - _Jesus fucking christ, I just patted his back - seriously!?! Why!?! Why am I being so retarded? Just hug him like a normal person!_

"It's okay, um... wanna sit down, or-"

"Wait, are you drunk?" Lance lifted his head to look at me, I wasted no time in putting more space between us. "You smell like it."

"Um..." _Yes._ "Yes."

"Can I have some?"

"Uh, sure."

"Just - just a shot - I-"

"Yeah, yeah, just sit down." I waved towards my bed and went to get Lance a drink.

"Thanks." He took the drink and I sat down beside him. I watched as he drank it in one shot, his neck and jaw tensed after he swallowed. The hair around his ears was damp with sweat and sticking to his face. He was looking into his empty cup but his eyes weren't focused. His eyelids looked heavy. His chest rose and fell with a shaky sigh. He closed his eyes and ran one hand through his - _Jesus fuck stop staring at him!_

I cleared my throat and fidgeted my hands in my lap. "Um - so, uh... you okay?"

"Yep." He wasn't very convincing. "So you were just drinking by yourself at one in the morning?"

"I guess." Lance let out a single laugh at my answer. I don't know what was funny about it.

"So do you do this often?"

"Yeah." _No! God dammit! I meant to say 'no'!_ Lance laughed again.

"Cool." He let himself fall backwards so he was laying down, his hands covering his face. His shirt had pulled up just enough to reveal a couple inches of skin between it and the waist of his pants. The edge of his pants... touching his skin - the line of his hip bones - the soft space between them, rising and falling with his breath - the soft space between them... the trail of hair that disappeared under his clothes - _fuck!_

_Fuck! Jesus fuck! Why is he in my room - on my bed!?!_

_At least he's covering his fucking face so he can't see my dumbass drooling over his fucking - fuck - he's so fucking perfect!_

My breath was catching in my throat and I had to stand up. 

I started pacing.

"I-I can go." I hadn't even noticed Lance sit up again. He had an unsure look on his face.

"Oh - no, no it's okay. I'm sorry." I sat down on the desk chair. _Shit, I suck so bad. Lance is trying to calm sown so what do I do - ooh let's freak the fuck out!_ "Did you, uh, wanna talk about it?" I felt the urge to drink more but resisted.

"I mean, not really. I feel - alright now." Lance shrugged. He pulled his feet up onto the bed and scooted himself backwards to sit against the wall. "Shit, sorry," he added and kicked off his shoes. "I am glad Allura's not home yet, though. I don't - it's hard to hide these from her."

"This happened before?" Lance nodded. "Does it happen a lot?"

"I dunno." He shrugged one shoulder, keeping his eyes averted from mine. "What's a lot?"

I didn't wanna push him further. After a few moments of silence he spoke again. "Can I... stay here tonight?" He still wasn't looking directly at me, instead focusing on a loose thread on my comforter. "I mean, not trying to be weird or anything. If not, that's fine I..."

"Sure you can. I'm drunk enough to pass out on the floor." I stood up and stretched my arms above my head. The room started to spin but stopped when I sat down again.

"So, you're just a drunk now, huh?" Lance joked.

"It helps me sleep." He snorted at my response.

"You seem like you're a few past what you'd need to sleep." I got up and moved to grab a pillow off the bed. "No, sit with me." Lance protested,so I put the pillow back and sat down - about as far from him as possible on the tiny bed. "Can you - not sleep on the floor?"

"What?" My heart sped up. _What is he saying? Is he-_

"Wha- you don't have to. If it's weird. I just - it helps having someone there - it keeps me out of my head, if that makes sense." My stomach sank as he spoke and I felt stupid for the split second my drunk mind had misinterpreted his intentions. "I can sleep on the floor if you want." He added and I shook my head.

"No, it's fine. I'll stay." I swallowed and turned the bedside lamp off. I could feel the bed shift before my eyes adjusted to the tiny amount of light coming through the window. 

When I attempted to lay down, my leg brushed against Lance's and it sent a jolt through me. I readjusted my position a few times before I found one that was comfortable. A few moments of silence passed and my body felt like electric was running through it. My heart was pounding in my throat and somewhere below my navel. I could feel the alcohol making my eyelids heavy but I was far from sleep.

"Are you awake?" Lance whispered.

"Mmhmm." He could probably hear my heart, it was beating so crazy. I wanted to touch him so fucking bad.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah."

"I haven't seen my family in almost eight months." His voice was tense. I was thrown off by what he'd said.

"I thought you guys were close."

"We are. Or we were. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like they stress me out or something." He shifted and I could tell he was so close to me that if I twitched we'd probably touch. I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not... probably not. "And I don't - I don't think I'm ready for Allura to come back..." There was a heavy silence following his words. "I feel so fucked up."

"Me too." Then I laughed. "Why do you think I'm drunk right now?"

"I just... don't wanna feel like this for the rest of my life..."

"Yeah... you won't, though." My chest ached for me to comfort him more effectively. "Just go to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."

"Ha, good one." He shifted again and our hips touched for a second. "Sorry," he muttered, then we were both silent.

Eventually, I found myself struggling to keep my eyes open. Lance's breathing was slow and even, so I assumed he was asleep. As much as I wanted to spend the rest of the night next to him, I knew I couldn't. I had to move to the floor. I didn't trust my half asleep body's reaction to being in bed with Lance.

The room spun a little as I sat up. When it subsided, I stood and tried carefully to be quiet as I took the few steps into my bathroom. My hand collided painfully with the door knob, but other than that I think I was successful. I drank water from the faucet, pissed, and walked back out to go to sleep.

Lance didn't appear to have moved so I grabbed my pillow and dropped it to the floor beside the bed. Before laying down, I looked at him again. He was laying on his side, facing the wall. My blanket was pulled up to his face like he was smelling it. He had it balled up so much that his feet weren't covered. I wanted so badly to lay next to him. To wrap my arms around him. To bury my face in his neck. To let him know he was okay. That I'd always be there.

_But that's never going to happen._

When I layed down, I felt something on the floor at my feet. Lance's jacket. I grabbed it and pulled it up to my face. It smelled so strongly of him that it made my heart beat faster and my stomach tensed. I wanted him so intensely it was painful.

_I have to leave. This is too much._

_I can't do it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the next chapter is pretty rough but the cute shit is coming I promise!  
> Thanks for reading, feedback is appreciated greatly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance hits bottom, because poor Lance is the subject of my projection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be safe I'd say this chapter has a trigger warning for anxiety stuff. Even though I can't imagine my writing being strong enough to evoke emotion haha, but I don't wanna not warn people who might be sensitive to such things especially because I found some of it difficult to write. I had to take lots of breaks. But we have to hit bottom before moving up, in this fic at least.

Chapter 7  
Lance's Point of View

 

I was falling out of sleep.

_No..._

_Sleep..._

Groaning, I rolled onto my stomach, my face smashed into my pillow, trying to resist coming to full consciousness. I breathed deeply, my insides becoming comfortably warm. I moaned lightly into the feeling and rolled again. My head was swimming with sleep and the pleasurable scent of - _wait_ \- my eyes snapped open. 

_This is Keith's bed. What the hell?_ The euphoric feeling in my gut was twisting into something of a panic. My mouth went dry. _I was getting turned on... rolling around in Keith's bed?_

_That's stupid. It had to be a dream I don't remember._

I sat up and took a deep breath. Something about the scent in the room was comforting. But in a weird way that made my stomach uncomfortable... but in a good way? It was warm and earthy, a touch of stale whiskey. It definitely wasn't what you'd call a 'clean' smell and I don't even think I could call it pleasant - but it wasn't unpleasant.

There was just something about it.

I stretched my arms above my head and exhaled. My head felt light but my body was heavy. I moved towards the side of the bed to get up but noticed Keith asleep on the floor beside it. He was curled up on his side with my jacket covering him. He was holding the hood to his face. It made me feel guilty for taking his bed.

He started stirring, probably feeling my stare. He straightened one leg and brought an arm to his face. He lowered it and blinked a few times before rolling onto his back. He jumped visibly and quickly sat up when he noticed me.

"Lance, wha-" He pushed my jacket away from him and pulled his legs up to his chest.

"Sorry, you should've taken the blanket." I repositioned myself so I was cross-legged at the edge of the bed. Keith still looked startled and confused.

"No, it's..." He trailed off muttering words I couldn't catch. Then he stood up and disappeared into his bathroom, shutting the door roughly.

_Shit, did I do something wrong?_

I looked around the floor for my shoes, deciding I should leave. I felt increasingly awkward and uneasy as memories of the night before fell into place. I found the shoes on the floor by the foot of the bed. As I was slipping on the second one, Keith came back out of the bathroom.

"Do you want some water or something?" He asked as he went to the cabinet.

"Um," the question made me notice how dry my throat was, "sure." He grabbed two cups and went back into the bathroom to fill them at the sink.

"So, are you okay?" He asked with a pained look on his face as he handed me a cup of water. I took a sip, debating whether or not to give an honest answer. _Ha - who the hell am I kidding - there's no way I'm giving an honest answer._

"Yeah, I'm good." _If good means I kinda feel like I'm dying inside everyday and I give it maybe an hour before my anxiety is at nauseous level again._

"You sure? You kinda... freaked me out last night." He was standing a few feet from me, looking into his own cup of water. His hair was a mess, the sight of it made me happy in a peculiar way. I didn't think too much of it, though, I was trying to navigate my way out of talking about the humiliating thing that happened to me last night.

"Sorry, it wasn't a big deal... I just - get a little freaked out sometimes." _That was true. I guess. Maybe an understated truth?_ Keith shifted his weight from one leg to the other and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm not trying to force you to talk about it. But you don't need to apologize. I just... didn't know how to help you." He was looking at me with an expression I couldn't read. I wanted to call it pity at first, but that definitely wasn't it.

"It's okay." I didn't know what to say or what I wanted to say. "I just needed a real person - something real - to help me fall out of it. I usually go sleep in Red but... I dunno, your light was on." I drank the rest of my water at once and stood up. I grabbed my jacket from where Keith had discarded it on the floor and turned to leave. Keith's hand closed on my forearm, stopping me. I jumped slightly at the touch.

"Lance. I - you -" He was looking back and forth between my eyes but as he spoke, the eye contact broke. There were many attempts to fix it but none successful. "If that - you can trust me - like - you can talk to me... I mean, if you need to. I'm not-" His voice was tight with emotion that he was clearly having problems expressing. "I'm - I won't leave you... again. I'm not going - I can't. Lance, I'm so sorry, you have no idea." He shook his head, letting go of my arm and turning away from me.

"Thanks, man." was all I could think to say. _I mean, it was an appropriate response, right?_ "Um... I'll see ya later." I left. _That maybe not so appropriate._ I heard Keith say call my name as the door closed behind me.

I walked so quickly to my room that I almost ran. I clumsily pushed my way through the door and closed it behind me, leaning against it and taking a deep breath. That conversation had been too much for me. Being in my room wasn't much of an improvement. The air felt uneasy. Like there was a ghost of my panic attack hanging in it. The urge to run back to Keith hit me but I pushed it away.

Looking at my bed made my insides twitch and my familiar feeling of discomfort spread through me. Images flashed through my mind from the night before; waking up already shaking and gasping; realizing I was awake just increased the panic tenfold; my vision swirling, me pacing, nothing working to stop the the thoughts that were racing so fast that I couldn't tell if I was even having thoughts or if my mind was completely blank; then I threw up and decided to go to Red.

But ended up at Keith's.

_Why did his words freak me out so much?_

_He was alright to talk to, so why was that particular time too much. Why did him apologizing for real make me run away?_

_I shouldn't have. Especially since he did actually help me calm down, he always has. I know for a fact that if it had been Allura's bedroom light I saw on last night, I would've run in the opposite direction._

_And that, that makes my stomach fucking sink._

 

********

 

I hadn't seen Keith in a few days. I usually saw him in the cafeteria getting lunch - well breakfast. Keith slept in as much as I did. But he slept in cause he was probably staying up till 2 or 3 drinking. I slept in caauuuse I slept in... 

I wasn't too worried about it, I figured I'd just been missing him and I'd been trying to keep to myself anyway so you know - whatever.

But then I ran into Hunk, who had just run into Shiro, who was trying to find Keith.

"Have you seen Keith lately?" Hunk asked, brow furrowed.

"Not since," I bit my lip, uncomfortable remembering our last encounter, "not for a few days."

"Has he been in his room?"

"Why - why would I know that, Hunk?" My words came out more harshly than I had intended. I felt panic rising from the pit of my stomach, slowly filling my insides with a twitchy, crawling sensation. "Hasn't anyone seen him?" I carefully controlled my tone, hoping Hunk realized my snappiness wasn't directed towards him.

"No." Hunk's face showed even more concern. "Shiro said the black lion's gone."

"What..." My ears filled with a nonexistent ringing. "Like he's - he left?" I swallowed harshly, my mouth had gone dry.

"Well, I mean, he could've just gone out for-for a spin or something. Y'know, training - he's pretty into that, right?" Hunk reasoned.

"Yeah, maybe." I wasn't convinced, and I'm sure Hunk didn't even believe his own argument.

"Hey, I'm sure he'll show up. Wanna grab something to eat?" Hunk offered lightheartedly. I nodded in agreement. My old ever reliable feeling of anxiety had found its way to my chest - grasping my sternum with an aching nagging pressure, my heart beating just too fast. Distracting myself with Hunk's company sounded more effective at alleviating it than trying to do something on my own.

We headed to the cafeteria. Over the past couple years, it had become less like a cafeteria and more like a mini grocery store that also happened to serve food. Food wasn't scarce or limited but the selection was. Certain plants just weren't taking to the modifications Colleen and her team had been building into them. I'd basically been living on boxes of cereal while Allura was away.

Hunk had struck up conversation with the man and woman serving the pre-made food. He frequently volunteered his time in the kitchen when his workload wasn't so demanding.

I just stood there, trying to focus my breathing but also trying to make sure I didn't focus too hard cause if I thought about it too much, it would make it worse. But I was doing a good job so far.

The cafeteria wasn't busy - given it was that awkward time between breakfast and lunch - but it wasn't empty either. It was the perfect amount of noise and distractions to calm my nerves without it being overwhelming.

I cleared my throat loudly as three more people got in line behind me - trying to hint to Hunk to wrap up his conversation. He waved an apology to the people behind me, picked up his tray, and stood to the side to wait for me. I wasn't hungry but I picked up a bowl of unappealing looking oatmeal. Hunk led the way to an open table in the corner.

We didn't pay. Paladins ate for free. No matter how many times I tried to refuse. I just gave in.

"So, you doing anything today?" Hunk asked.

"Nah." I took a bite of my oatmeal and swallowed it almost immediately. I couldn't hold it in my mouth very long without feeling like I might gag. It didn't taste bad, especially compared to how it looked. I just wasn't hungry. But I was trying to force it cause I knew my lack of appetite was due to nerves. "How bout you?"

"I'm heading over to my family's place for the night. We're trying to make it a more regular thing." He paused to eat some of his food - grilled cheese and some re-hydrated vegetables in broth. I took the chance to choke down more oatmeal. "You're welcome to come along if you want. We'll have better food than this, no doubt. No offense to this place, they're doing the best with what they have. But you know you're part of my family too."

_I hate it when he says things like that._

_Little, innocent, nice things._

_He means well - but I know they're his way of saying he's worried about me. And even though I know he's sincere - I feel like shit cause I want to be okay. I want to be my old self._

_I don't want to be the guy people whisper about cause - he's not doing well, do you know what's going on with him? Has he said anything? He just seems off. I just want to help him but he says he's fine. Well, why can't he just let it go? Y'know it's been so long. Everyone else lost something too and we're not just moping around - sleeping all day - how do you think Allura puts up with it - some hero he is -_

"Lance!" Hunk's voice silenced the screaming ones in my head. He was looking at me, worry showing on all his features. "Dude, kinda lost you there for a sec. Do you want some coffee or something?"

"No, sorry." My voice was strained as I spoke. "Just thinking." I poked my spoon around in the oatmeal, it was quickly becoming a congealed blob.

"Well anyway, did you wanna come along tonight?"

"What time are you heading out?" I was just being polite. As much as I loved Hunk and his family, I knew I wasn't going to go. I was in a pretty shit mood and didn't want to impose.

"Uh, probably around 2. I'm gonna see if anything's going on in the city first, if you just wanna do that." Hunk took the last bite of his sandwich. "Today's Christmas and I think a couple of the places are doing something in spite of how few people care anymore."

My heart sank. Actually, it more than sank - it felt like all my organs had liquefied into a pool of dread.

"It's Christmas?" The words caught in my throat.

"Yeah, dude, are you sure you're okay?" Hunk leaned forward in his seat. "Do you feel alright? You look - not good."

"Um..." I absently rubbed between my eyebrows with my middle finger and exhaled loudly. "Yeah, I think I'm gonna-" I stood up, trying to keep my motions as fluid and natural as possible but my whole body was tense - my muscles twitchy. The chair screeched jarringly as it slid back. "Um, yeah I don't feel great, uh, stomach thing."

"Do you want me to walk you to your room?" Hunk stood as well.

"No, no, it's okay." I could see my hands shaking as I went to pick up my bowl. Hunk stopped me.

"Don't worry about it, I got it. You can go."

"Okay, sorry, I'll see ya later, Hunk."

"Let me know if you need anything." I nodded and turned to head out of the cafeteria. "Seriously, Lance. And I'll bring you food from my mom's." He called as I walked away.

My vision was stretching, the hallways making me dizzy. 

I stood in the elevator, once again trying to steady my breathing. Trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong. Trying to will my heart to stop beating so painfully.

The elevator doors opened and I hurried out. The air moving past me as I walked had a cooling affect on the sweat that I hadn't been aware of before. The coolness mixed with irrational heat made me even more uncomfortable somehow. It gave me the sensation like I was about to pass out.

_Walk. Just walk._

_And breathe, I guess. Yeah._

_But actually breathe. Not this weird shallow shit gasps that don't even make it past your collar bones._

_Just fucking breathe._

_And walk too. Just walk._

_You're soon there._

_Don't pass out. Don't pass out._

_Door. Door, go through the door. But wait. Shit. This is Keith's door._

_Why did I come to Keith's door? He's not even here. Well maybe I should make sure he's not dead inside. I wonder if it's locked._

_Nope. Not locked. Shit - don't be dead. Don't be dead. Don't be dead-_

The room was empty. The bed was made. The desk was clear.

I walked briskly to the dresser and pulled out a drawer. Nothing. My racing heart moved into my throat. Heat spread through my limbs.

Keith was gone.

Like, he was really gone.

He fucking left.

Fucking again!

I slammed the drawer closed and stumbled backwards. I started pacing, hands behind my head. Then hands at my sides. Then hands grabbing at the opposite arms. Then across my chest. Then back behind my head with fistfulls of hair.

With a noise of frustration, I let myself fall face first onto the bed. I inhaled deeply, filling myself with the warm and earthy scent of Keith's bed. It made my stomach do something weird. Then a pit of emotion formed - feeling heavy and solid against the anxiety. The pit grew and spread - pushing out the nervous energy, replacing it with twisting hurt and anger and an all encompassing self-hatred.

I rolled over and my eyes struggled to regain focus after being smashed against the pillow. When I breathed in, the air felt cold and thin. Self loathing and regret were dominating my thoughts.

_I should be with my family._

Memories of the Christmas days of my childhood came flooding through my mind. Waiting at the top of the stairs with Marco, Veronica, Luis, and Rachel as our parents prepared hot chocolate and set it next to our respective stockings. Arguing over who got the best gifts. Being exhausted after the meal on Christmas Eve but still trying to bargain my way out of going to bed. The smells. The lights. 

Then as we got older, my mom tried to keep it going. Even as the world drifted away from such things. Then Luis met Lisa and they had Nadia and Sylvio. Watching them made Christmas feel new again. The way their eyes lit up made the whole room smile.

Then one year... I was gone. And when I came back...

I swallowed harshly, the corners of my eyes burned and I blinked it away. I felt sick with sentiment. Then a picture of my family gathered together flashed across my mind. I felt so guilty I considered drowning myself in the toilet.

I sat up, pushed myself to the edge of the bed and slid down onto the floor, my back against the bed. My hands searched my pockets for my phone. I was still shaking and my limbs felt heavy. My anxiety was mostly gone, leaving me exhausted and numb.

I looked at my phone for what felt like hours before tapping my finger down and 'Calling Mama' read across the screen. My stomach twisted for the few seconds before she answered.

"Lance?" Her face filled the screen - worry dominating her features. "Is everything okay?" I felt guilty all over again.

"Yeah, yeah everything's fine, Mom." My voice cracked but I'm hoping she didn't notice.

"You look sick, are you sure?" I could see people walking around in the background, but she must've been sitting, I couldn't see their faces.

"Yeah-"

"Is that Lance?" A different voice came through - Veronica. "Mom, tell him to piss off." Mom's face twitched disapproval but she ignored her.

"Are you going to come by? Everyone's here. Do you need a ride?" _Damn her._ I felt a lump rise in my throat - I tried to swallow it away.

"No, Mom, can I- can I talk to the kids?" Her face dropped at my words. "Mom, I'm sorry," I added quietly but I don't think she heard me. I could hear through the phone that the room was full of voices. The room spun across the phone before the picture stopped on Sylvio and Nadia, their smiles so big I don't know how they fit on their small faces.

"Uncle Lance!" They cried, not quite in unison.

"He-ey guys." I didn't need to fake the smile on my face, but I did have to fight the sadness out of it. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas!" Nadia squeaked, bouncing up and down but Sylvio spoke over her.

"Lance, Lance! Guess what! I got a new bike!" His eyes were wide and he leaned forward, almost pushing Nadia from view.

"Hey!" She gave him an indignant shove.

"Stop it, I'm talking!" Sylvio snapped back.

"Hey guys, come on, there's plenty of me to go around." They scowled at each other, then looked back at me, their expressions brightening. "What did you get Nadia?"

"Ooooh, I got a drawing tablet and pencils and markers. And we had rice with real cinnamon in it!" She ended in an excited whisper.

"That sounds so good! Eat an extra bowl for me, okay?" My throat was tightening.

"Okay!"

"Uncle Lance, why aren't you here? Are you working again?" Sylvio questioned innocently, causing my stomach to twist.

"Yeah, dude, I'm just busy, you know how it is," I laughed.

"You have to save the world again?" Nadia looked scared by her question and Sylvio flashed her a look.

"No, there's no more bad aliens, Nadi." He reassured her then looked at me and added, "right? Right, Lance? You got rid of them all, right? All of them in the whole universe?" Their eyes were pleading with me to reassure them. They both looked so small and scared. It ripped my fucking heart apart.

"Yeah, you two are safe. I promise you." I wanted to reach through the screen and hug them. They relaxed at my words but still looked shaken. My eyes started to burn.

"Hey, you two, time to say bye to uncle Lance. Dinner's almost ready." I recognized the voice as Lisa, their mother. The kids both whined in protest. "No! Come on now, say goodbye."

"Bye uncle Lance." Nadia's shoulders drooped. "I love you."

"I love you, too" I struggled against the lump in throat to get the words out.

"Bye." Sylvio's eyes were averted. "Are you gonna come see us soon?" I nodded fervently before I even had time to think.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll see you soon. I love you." The screen shifted as someone picked up the phone and I caught a glimpse of a very sad looking tree.

"Right, bye, Lance." The screen went black. I hadn't missed the bite in Lisa's voice before she hung up on me.

I stared at my phone, now showing the home screen, trying to see the faces that had been there moments before. The lump in my throat was painful, pulling at a weird spot behind my jaw. My eyes burned and I couldn't stop it. They filled with tears that blurred my vision as I refused to give in and let them fall.

I tried to sigh but it was shaky in and the exhale turned into a choking sob and I couldn't hold it together a second longer. 

All of me broke, all at once.

I threw my phone to the side and pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. My tears were hot and quickly spilling past my hands.

I hugged my knees to my chest and just cried. I felt every sob through my whole body. They felt like they were putting cracks in my ribs. Every thought that went through my mind gave my breakdown renewed strength.

_Mom. My mama. Still holding out hope that I'd show up._

_The fact that I didn't. That I didn't even tell her I wasn't coming. I didn't have a reason to. I'm just hurting them cause I just fucking suck._

_Nadia and Sylvio. The traumatized look on their faces when they thought about the invasion. It probably haunts their dreams like it does mine._

_Nadia and Sylvio. They're probably eating dinner right now. Thinking I'm working or doing anything worthwhile. Really I'm just sobbing in Keith's room._

_Keith. Fucking Keith._

_He's gone._

The thought of Keith changed the trajectory of my sobs. They became angry. I felt so betrayed. I felt alone. Thinking of Keith put an ache of something missing in my chest.

_I just want him here._

 

At some point I stopped crying. I didn't realize it until the dried tears started to pull at the skin on my cheeks. I took a deep breath and pushed myself up. My whole body ached. It was stiff and begging to crawl under a wad of blankets and sleep for days.  
I splashed water on my face in Keith's bathroom, patted it dry, and drank from the faucet. I tried my best to not look at my reflection and walked back out to the bed.

I sat down heavily and kicked my shoes off before lying down. I crept under the sheets and gathered them in front of my face. I breathed in deeply and closed my burning eyes. I took another breath and felt my body begin to relax. With every breath I sank closer to sleep. My heart rate calmed. My muscles eased. My breathing came from lower in my body, out of my chest for the first time that day.

I tried to empty my exhausted mind but Keith kept popping back up. I refused to let myself acknowledge that it was him that was calming me down. That it was his smell I was breathing in. That it was his bed I wanted to be falling asleep in. That I wished with every part of me that I'd wake up to find him on the floor beside me again.

Cause I missed him more than I could make sense of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. Just bare with me guys. I'll try and put the next chapter up soon just so it's not hanging on such a low note for very long.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the total chapters to 16 cause I split this chapter into two.  
> Krolia gets her redemption in this chapter, cause I know I made her act kinda rough in the first chapter but I was just imagining her being completely at wits end with Keith. So here she shows her better side.

Chapter 8  
Keith's Point of View

 

"Keith!" Krolia's face filled the hologram projection screen in front of me. Her eyes were wide with a mixture of relief and worry.

"Hi, Mom." My tone was flat. I wasn't really sure what had posessed me to take her call. I liked to tell myself it was because I was sick of ignoring a call every five minutes. Between her and Shiro, that wasn't much of an exaggeration.

"Where are you? Are you okay? Keith, what's going on?" I had never seen her so shaken up. She was talking with a fervor that, to my discontent, caused my throat to tighten.

"I'm fine, Mom."

"But you're not." She paused, eyes scanning my face. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have sent you away, I shouldn't have gotten so mad. I should've tried harder, I knew you were hurting, I-" She looked close to tears.

"No, it's not your fault."

"Keith. You're my son. I-"

"No," I said more firmly. Guilt was seeping through me in the worst way. "It's my fault... I wouldn't let you help me."

"I shouldn't have left you." I didn't know if she was talking about her leaving Earth or me returning to Earth. Either way, I couldn't stop the hard lump forming in my throat.

"Mom, please..." My voice had come out more quietly than I had wanted. It took effort to bring it to a normal volume. "It's my fault. I fucked up. I fucked everything up. All of it - it's just fucking shit - Mom - I don't know what to do." My face was streaked with tears that I made no attempt to stop.

"Keith, it's okay." Krolia's words were meant to be reassuring. My body let out a choked sob and I put my face in my hands. "Why don't you just come back here? You can take a break, whatever you need."

I shook my head and pushed the heels of my palms into my eyes ina an attempt to wipe them dry. They felt puffy and irritated already.

"Mom, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Her voice was suddenly firm. "Keith, you hear me? Don't be sorry. You're allowed to make mistakes. You're allowed to not be okay." I sniffed thickly and just looked at her. I didn't know what to say. I was tired of running, of pushing everyone away, of hurting them.

I was tired of fighting myself.

"But I'm not - I don't know what's wrong." My eyes burned with the threat of more tears.

"That's okay, too." 

There was a long pause while I calmed down a little. 

"Keith. You need to let people start helping you. I know you're stubborn and I know you have a hard time letting others in. Trust me, I know, you didn't get that from your father." She smiled sadly. "But you have to try... Should I come to you? Where are you? I'll come to Earth, I can make arrangements and be there as-"

"Mom, no." I stopped her. "It's okay. I know you're busy. I'm fine." I took a moment to ensure my next words weren't a lie. "I'll go back to Earth."

"Okay." She sounded saddened. "But if you need anything. Ever. Anywhere. You let me know." Her words filled some of the emptimess I was feeling. It felt good to hear her sounding like a worried, caring mother - like my mother. We had been at odds for a few months before she sent me to Earth. A part of me was worried I'd caused irrepairable damage.

"I will." I smiled as best I could - which wasn't very much. "I love you, Mom." Her eyes lit up with emotion at my words.

"I love you, too. And I am so proud of you." I couldn't think of anything she could possibly be proud of, but it still felt good to hear.

"Bye."

"Goodbye, Keith." 

The call screen vanished.

I could almost feel the silence that was left when the call disconnected. I glanced out at the endless void of space and felt so small.

It sounds like a cliche, but after having it as your backdrop for day to day life, that feeling wears off. Or at least goes to a part of your mind that you don't access often.

But in that moment, as I sat in the cockpit of Black, in the middle of a galaxy I didn't know the name of, I felt like a speck of dust.

An utterly pathetic. 

Completely alone. 

Speck of dust.

And it was all my fault.

Before my self-loathing could spread much further, the Black Lion made its presence known. I felt it. Like a pleasant memory. Like the feeling you get when you're comletely lost and just when you're about to give up hope, you see something you recognize.

Black was as done with my bullshit as I was.

An image of Shiro was pushed to the front of my mind. A memory of the first time he had taken me racing through the desert... the first time I let my wall down enough to realize that he was my friend - that he was family I wanted.

Then an image of him getting coffee with me a couple of days before I left. We were laughing, then Shiro threw his arm around my shoulders before going our separate ways. I felt his compassion more strongly than I had in the actual moment.

Black was showing me that he hadn't let me down. Shiro hasn't given up on me.

And then I saw Hunk and Pidge, teary-eyed through hugs and goodbyes and promises of staying in touch. It was the last time I'd seen them before I left with Krolia.

Then Allura, in the moment when I realized she trusted and respected me. And it wasn't even about me - it was the fact that my actions had such a profound affect on her that she reconsidered her personal beliefs. I'd never been more comfortable with my person.

And Lance.

Lance before.

Before all the battles and near death experiences and the living under the constant threat of war had had time to sink in and wear him down.

Before the smile in his eyes was taken from him.

Lance with so much warmth washed over his features. I couldn't recall what memory the image was from - or even if it was a memory at all.

Then it changed. 

I heard his voice... 

Encouraging me when I had doubts about leading the team...

Comforting me when I thought I'd lost Shiro forever...

All the times he brought me back when my temper or stubbornness went too far.

All the shots he took that saved my ass.

And I saw him. When he'd come to me in moments of self doubt. Showing me a side of him I don't think many saw.

Every moment.

From the first in the Castle of Lions all those years ago, to the night before I left.

Every moment. All at once.

I felt my heart lurch with every one. The ache to make him okay. And I felt it warm as every one ended with a light finding its way into his eyes.

Those were the moments - the pieces - that took all parts of him, including all the jokes and the false bravado, and glued them together into something beautiful. Those were the moments when I truly fell in love with him.

And I would do anything to have him look at me like that again.

Then the images went faster. Changing from Lance to Krolia... and Kolivan... and Coran. Then Matt and Sam... And it got faster, the memories were flashing so quickly, I saw Veronica, the MFE pilots, Acxa, even Iverson.

And faster, soon I couldn't even comprehend what I was seeing. It went faster and faster until it blurred into nothing.

I opened my eyes and released my breath. I felt warm. Content. Pleasantly sentimental.

I smiled inwardly.

"Thank you." I felt a comfortable purr roll from the back of my head to the bottom of my spine. "Let's head home."

 

*****

 

I spent the whole ride to Earth trying to psych myself up to confront Lance. Of course I was hoping for a positive outcome, but I had decided that even if the worst case scenario played out, that it would be worth it. If it meant I could move on.

Once my feet hit the concrete of the lion hangar, though, I began to realize that conclusion was largely due to Black's encouragement. The thought of confronting Lance made my stomach flip and stopped me in my tracks. 

I felt a vague rumble of warmth in the back of my mind and smiled up at my lion.

"Okay," I said through an exhale. I walked out of the hangar into the empty hallway to the elevator. Adrenaline was pulsing through me, my heart beating more loudly with every step. It took every ounce of willpower to keep images of Lance being disgusted with me out of my head.

With a shaky hand, I pressed the button outside the elevator. I took a deep, focused breath to try and calm myself down. 

_Just tell him. It'll be fine. You can't run away for your whole life. You'll feel better once it's out. He won't hate you. It'll be fine. He won't hate you._

_What the fuck am I saying? He already fuckin' hates me._

"Keith!" I looked down the hall and saw Shiro. A rush of gratitude towards him washed over me. I just stood watching him get closer, ignoring the elevator doors which had opened for me.

"I was outside, I saw your lion," he said as he came to a stop. "Are you-" I threw my arms around him tightly, unable to process the flood of emotions going through me. "Are you okay?" He hugged me back firmly.

"I'm so sorry, Shiro." The corners of my eyes burned. "I'm so sorry."

"What happened? Keith?" He pushed back and looked at me.

"I just. Everything. I don't know what's wrong with me." He pulled me back into a tight hug.

"Nothing's wrong with you." His voice was resolute. "Just give yourself time. You'll get through it."

We stood there for I don't know how long. Shiro didn't move an inch until I did. I knew we were okay. It was a huge weight off my mind. I couldn't lose Shiro - my brother, my father, my best friend - and I knew I wouldn't.

"Thanks." I said as I finally stepped back. "Sorry about being so dramatic lately." I felt kind of sheepish as I thought about it.

"Don't worry about it," he said lightly as he leaned past me to press the elevator button. I had completely missed the first one. "And I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you've always been pretty dramatic." I snorted and he laughed.

The doors opened and I stepped forward as Shiro said 'bye'

"Hey, wait - have you seen Lance?" I asked, my hand on the doors to keep them from closing. Shiro frowned a little before responding.

"Not lately. Hunk said he hasn't been feeling well the past few days."

"Uh, alright. Thanks."

"See ya later, Keith." The doors closed, leaving me alone. My apprehension returned in a flash and I couldn't tell if the weird feeling in my stomach was nerves or the elevator moving.

The doors opened and my breath caught in my throat. Was I really about to do this?

_Yes. I have to._

My every step towards Lance's room felt like I was walking through ankle deep mud. But at the same time I could've sworn the hallway had gotten shorter in my absence.

I stood, staring at the door, sweat noticeable on my palms. I swallowed thickly and took a steadying breath.

_Here goes nothing._

I raised my fist to knock but before I had the chance, the door opened. I jumped back with a shout.

"Oh jesus shit!" Lance screamed and stumbled backwards. "Keith!" Lance stared at me, eyes wide, breathing slightly labored from shock. "What - holy shit! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry," I muttered as Lance walked into the hallway.

"What're you doing out here?" He asked tersely, not looking at me. I couldn't deny it stung a little. _Did he even notice I was gone?_

"Um," my mouth had gone dry, "I just - I wanted..."

"Yeah?" He turned to face me, hand resting casually on one hip, his expression uninterested. Even in spite of everything, I noticed he looked worse than usual - I guess he was sick.

"I wanted to say that I..." _fucking love you._ Lance raised his eyebrows impatiently. _Just fucking do it._

_..._

_Do it!_

"I heard you were sick." _No!_ "And I-" _Tell him!_ "-hope you-" _No!_ "-feel better..." _Fuck me..._

"Uuuh..." Lance shifted his weight. "Thanks?" He turned to walk away. _Stop him!_

"Lance." He stopped.

"Yeah?" _I think my heart's going to explode. Now - do it now!_

"Um..."

"Look, dude, I kinda have somewhere to be. Can I catch ya later?" There wasn't a sliver of warmth anywhere on his face - forced or otherwise. My heart dropped.

_Just say it. Fuck it-_

"Sure." _Dumbfuck!_ "I'll see you later." He touched two fingers to his forehead in a casual salute as he took a step backwards, then turned. I watched until he disappeared.

And for some time after that.

_Lance, I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And you have officially reached the upward trend. We have passed the angst trench and started climbing towards sappy fluff.  
> I know this fic is suuuuper angsty, but I started it before season 8, and I was expecting (stupid me) a very upbeat happy ending, so I didn't think it would be as depressing.  
> Of course it'll still be melodramatic cause it's meant to be kinda over the top. But fluffy and cute nonetheless!


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9  
Keith's Point of View

 

Three days passed and each day took with it more and more of my motivation to tell Lance how I felt. I had next to none left. I had resolved to telling myself I would if the moment was right. I wouldn't force it. 

But deep down I knew that was just a lie I was telling myself.

What was the point in telling him? I had been gone almost a week and Lance hadn't even noticed I was gone. There was no chance he'd feel the same. I'd probably just freak him out. Besides that, he obviously wasn't in the best place emotionally so dropping something like that on him would be insensitive really.

_Yeah... no telling Lance._

_Just get over him._

_It's been long enough already._

I was sitting at my desk, staring at the messages on my phone again. Scrolling through them, not listening to them, just looking. I wanted to listen to them. _But that won't help the current situation now will it?_

 

"KEEEEIIITH!"

"Keith, Keith, Keith!"

It sounded like ten people all banging on my door at once but when I opened it, I found just three. They quickly lowered their fists, still raised from frantically pounding against my door.

"What?" I asked, smiling in spite of myself. Pidge, Hunk, and Lance ignored my question and pushed their ways into my room. Lance quickly sat in the chair, Pidge jumped onto my bed and sat cross-legged in the middle of it, Hunk stood by my desk. All three of them were looking at me expectantly and I could feel their higher than normal level of energy.

"Come on, get dressed!" Pidge smiled, bouncing slightly on my mattress. She had been such a relief, I was happier that she was back than I'd expected. Her mood was constantly a few levels above even Hunk's. What was better, she seemed to not notice - or at least ignored - how miserable Lance and I both were on a day to day basis.

"For what?" I asked, growing more confused.

"It doesn't matter for what - just put some real pants on so we can go." Lance answered playfully. "And make yourself presentable," he added, looking me up and down pointedly while trying to feign a look of disgust. I could see a smirk pulling at his lips. He seemed in a strangely good mood.

I couldn't help but smile, I tried to hide it by picking up a pair of black pants and starting towards my bathroom.

"What're we doing?" I asked again before closing the door.

"Going into the city." I heard Hunk say at the same time Lance yelled "It doesn't matter!"

"It'll be fun, we promise," Pidge added in a sing-song voice. 

I quickly changed my pants and looked in the mirror. The shadows under my eyes were noticeable as always. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to make it look like I hadn't locked myself in a tiny room all day. When I felt it was acceptable, I went back into my room. My stomach twinged with a small hint of excitement and anticipation.

"Let's go!" Lance and Pidge both jumped up and headed towards the door.

 

"Really though, what're we doing?" It was already dark when we exited the building. I really wanted to know. I didn't want to be surprised, and honestly I was getting slightly irritated. Lance, Hunk, and Pidge had all talked loudly and excitedly since we had left my room, but nothing they said gave any indication to what their plans were.

"We're going to go be normal," Pidge laughed as if that was a real answer.

"It'll be fun. I promise you." Lance fell into step beside me and put his hand on my shoulder. The contact made my stomach flip - which annoyed me. If only deciding I was going to get over him worked like a switch. I felt my feelings for him constantly, it was suffocating, depressing, and fucking frustrating. But even still, I was ecstatic to be walking beside him. 

Even if it was just slow torture, I never wanted to let him go.

 

When we reached New City, I was kind of shocked. It was the first time I'd seen it after dark. There were lights strung between the buildings above Market street. Multicolored neon signs lit up most of the windows. There was noise - laughter and voices - it was warm and maybe even optimistic. We walked down the street, past crowds of people, past open doors of bars and restaurants - smells wafted out into the street - a mixture of different foods and different types of smoke.

As we turned down a side alley, I started to hear music.

"Is that music?" I asked stupidly. I couldn't remember the last time I'd heard it.

"It's not just music!" Hunk answered, a bright smile filling his face. It got louder as we walked and I noticed a bright green sign glowing up ahead. The music seemed to be coming from the building it lit up. A large crowd of people was formed in the street in front of it.

"It's live music." Lance had an excited bounce in his step. Honestly, I wasn't so sure what was so exciting about this, but the positivity of the others was too contagious for me to analyze it too much.

"Just give it a chance," Pidge said, possibly reading the uncertainty on my face. "I though I was gonna hate it the first time they brought me. Like music isn't really my thing, neither are crowds or being crazy in public-"

"Being crazy in public? Really Pidge? Who're you trying to fool with that one?" Lance cut her off and Hunk made a noise of agreement.

"Okay, whatever, screw you guys. But really, I fuckin' love it now. I can't explain it." Pidge finished and jumped up and down as if we were walking too slowly for her.

"Alright. I trust you guys, I guess."

"Damn right, you trust us! How many times have we saved your ass?" Pidge teased. We had reached the front doors of the building.

"Not as many times as I've saved all yours," I joked back.

"Oh shit! It's gonna be like that now?" Lance gave me a light shove through the open doors into the large room behind them. It was crowded but not so much that you couldn't make your way through.

The building may have been a warehouse for the Garrison at some point. The stage looked like it had been built from old shipping containers. It was dark but the stage was lit up with different colors. There was a band under the lights, playing loud, upbeat, slightly angry music.

Pidge and Hunk both let out a yell and ran into the crowd. I felt uneasy - like I didn't quite get what was going on.

"You need a drink!" Lance yelled in my ear and jerked me out of my thoughts. "You look scared," he laughed, "C'mon." He turned and started walking towards the back left corner of the room. I followed closely.

We were soon in front of a bar made from parts of an old truck. Lance leaned forward and said something to the man working but I couldn't hear. 

I glanced around at the people surrounding me. Some were laughing with friends, most were moving lightly to the music. They all looked... energized, happy. They didn't look like what they were - people struggling to reclaim a life they once knew.

"Here!" Lance shoved a drink at me. "Hurry and drink it, I got you two!" I looked down at the dark foamy liquid that filled my cup, then at Lance. He was already halfway through chugging his. 

_Oh well, here goes_ \- I followed his lead and drank it as quickly as I could. It reminded me of beer but tasted sweeter than those I'd tried long ago.

"Okay, here." Lance handed me a second cup when I had finished and picked up two more. "Let's go!" He nodded towards the stage and I followed him.

We didn't make it very far before we ran into Pidge. I saw Lance hand her one of the drinks and she said something back. The band was far too loud for me to make out any of their exchange.

Pidge turned around and headed back into the crowd. Lance glanced back at me, smiling, and grabbed my wrist before following her. He lead me through gaps between bodies that grew increasingly smaller until I felt the need to apologize to every person we passed.

We stopped when we met up with Hunk, who was standing by a pillar a few yards from the left corner of the stage. Lance and Pidge both yelled loudly and jumped up and down on either side of Hunk, somehow not spilling their drinks.

I just stood awkwardly, so I took a long sip of the drink in my hand. The first one had left my stomach feeling warm and comfortable.

I found myself staring at Lance as he danced around excitedly with his two friends. He looked more like his old self than I had seen him since I got back. I couldn't help the annoying smile it caused. I took another long sip to hide it.

After two songs the crowd cheered and the room got slightly brighter. Pidge, Hunk, and Lance turned around.

"I call next round!" Pidge yelled, her voice muffled by the ringing in my ears. She walked passed me and Hunk followed, saying something I couldn't make out. I stepped forward, closer to Lance who was leaning against a pillar beside the stage.

"The next band's better," he called out. At least, that's what I think he said. I just nodded in response and drank more. When I looked up again Lance was watching me.

"What?" I asked, trying to suppress a self-conscious grin.

"Nothing," he responded quickly. "Try and have fun!" he punched my arm lightly and looked up at the stage. His face was slightly flushed. I had a hard time looking away.

The room darkened again and the next band started before Hunk and Pidge returned. Halfway through the first song, though, I felt a hand on my back and a drink appeared in front of my face. I quickly finished the one I had and Pidge dropped the new cup into the now empty one.

"Thanks!" I yelled as Pidge took a sip from her own drink. I was unsure if she heard me or not.

Everyone around me was screaming and jumping around. A few were dancing. I felt so out of place. The music was good and whatever I was drinking was making me feel giddy - _but I know all of these people aren't wasted. But they're all so excited._

When the next song started, Hunk and Pidge looked at each other and ran deeper into the crowd center stage. I glanced at Lance and he was laughing. He took a step closer to me. He said something, but I couldn't make out the words.

"What?" I yelled and he laughed again. Then he put his hand on the back of my head and pulled me closer. I didn't know what he was doing until he leaned forward, the sides of our faces collided and he was yelling in my ear.

It was hard to focus on what he was saying while he was so close.

"Do you hate this?" I could hear the laughter in his voice. He pulled away from my face but left his hand on the back of my head. My stomach was spinning, but for once I let myself enjoy it instead of attacking myself for allowing the feeling to exist.

I shook my head. I didn't hate it, I just felt out of place. He smiled warmly. _Is he drunk?_ He leaned towards my ear again and our cheekbones connected roughly. _Yeah, he's drunk..._

"You have to get into it. We didn't really get it at first either." He leaned back and grabbed my drink-free hand and started shaking my arm up and down. 

He laughed and pulled me towards him to yell in my ear again. "Just yell, get mad, jump around, dance, just fuck it! Whatever. You'll feel better." I could feel his lips moving against my ear and it sent a shiver through me. "I promise! No one cares how fuckin' stupid you look. Look at everyone!"

He spun me around and held onto my shoulders tightly. I felt his chest pressed against my back and his breath by my ear. It made me dizzy in the best way.

"They're all just human!" He yelled. "This is such a human thing to do. I don't think I met an alien that gets this." He turned me around again. "Now come on!" He demanded. "Fucking scream! I know you want to."

He put his mouth against my ear again. "Be a human! W-well half - but still," he laughed and grabbed my arm, jumping up and down, his drink splashing out of his cup this time.

"Scream!" He yelled at me and I couldn't help but laugh.

Then I yelled... half-assedly.

"No!" Lance barked. "For real!" I shook my head, trying to deny how ridiculous I felt before yelling again.

I screamed louder and louder and Lance started yelling with me. I felt him jumping up and down beside me. He threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into another awkward drunk hug.

"Yes!" He laughed. "Just feel everything! And fucking nothing!" he yelled in my ear. I tried to take a sip of my drink but found most of it had spilled.

"I'm getting a drink," I said, leaning towards Lance so he'd hear me. He nodded but I didn't move. I couldn't take my eyes off the stupid drunk guy beside me. My chest ached for me to put my arms around him. The music filled the air around me, making my thoughts feel like a dream, reverberating through my body.

Eventually he felt me staring and gave me an inquisitive look. A smile was pulling at the corners of his lips. He opened his mouth to say something but I cut him off.

"I got your messages." It came blurting out, just as the song ended. I don't know what possessed me to say it. Lance's face went blank. "I listened to them." He just stared at me. I couldn't even begin to read what he was feeling.

He was just staring. His smile completely gone.

I put my face against his to talk in his ear as the music started up again. "I-I-" I didn't know what to say but I was nearing dangerous territory. "It meant a lot." I squeezed his shoulder, wishing it was his hand. "Thank you for not giving up on me."

I swallowed harshly and leaned back. Lance smiled and pushed my face away lightheartedly and kind of drunkenly.

"Sure, man." He yelled and put his arm across my shoulders again. "Sorry I was such a dick to you when you came back the other day. Now let's find Hunk and Pidge! And have fucking fun!" He kept his arm around me, half dragging me into the middle of the crowd.

I didn't let myself think about the fact that Lance did realize I had left again. I pushed it to the back of my head for later - or never - and tried to have fun.

Eventually I think I got it. Through the smoke and alcohol and ridiculous cheering. These people were here to feel everything they could feel and let it go - to feel nothing negative of what their lives had become - to remind themselves that they were human - to not forget where they came from - to share hope that things could be okay.

That it was okay to be pissed or sad or frustrated - they felt it and released it into the bass and the drums. And as cringey as it sounded - they did it together, which made it all the more powerful. 

And when the band stopped playing to tell the crowd there were ten seconds left in the second year of Earth's recovery from the invasion, the cheer from the crowd was so full of determination that I almost forgot how much had been lost.

And when the night was over, I did feel better. I was exhausted but energized. I felt lighter, like for once I could believe things would be okay.

I was happy to be on Earth, I was beyond happy to have my friends with me.

Even if one of them was slowly driving me insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Lance catching feelings?????
> 
> I like the idea of this chapter, but it was hard to write a concert and not make it sound completely ridiculous.  
> Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being waaaaay longer than anticipated. But hopefully you enjoy it, cause I do!

Chapter 10  
Lance's Point of View

 

Almost a week had passed since the New Year's concert. I still felt uneasy when I thought about it. But it wasn't uneasy in a bad way - which was a hugely different type of uneasy than I was used to. Like my stomach wanted to flip and my heart would jump a beat at the memories.

It felt like. The best way to describe it that I could think of - it felt like I had a crush.

_That's not right, though. Cause all my memories of that night are centered on Keith, sooooo... yeah, not a crush._

But still, I had a hard time arguing my way around the feeling I got when - _shit, no. Don't think about that._

His arm around my waist.

_It's nothing. I was drunk._

How he'd hold on tighter when the crowd would start pulling us apart.

_There were loads of people touching me._

The cold empty feeling I got when we separated.

_I was just drunk._

How I wanted to pull him back.

_Allura's just been gone too long._

The disappointment I felt when the band stopped and we no longer had to get so close to hear what the other said.

_I'm starved for attention._

How I made sure I was beside him the entire walk home.

_I just..._

How my heart sank when I saw him close his door.

_It's not..._

How I couldn't get his voice out of my head. Telling me he got my messages - the look on his face - my overwhelming urge to hug him and punch him at the same time.

_See, if I wanted to punch him - it's nothing._

_Nothing._

_Just the energy of the whole night playing tricks on me._

_Yeah, that's it._

_Just a weird night. And too much of that alcohol they serve at that place. It always makes me happier and just weirder than other shit._

_That's what it is._

_Alcohol and a weird night..._

_Still sticking around in my head days later..._

_That's normal._

_I'm cool._

_Alright._

I turned off the shower and stepped out - onto cold tile.

"Shit!" I hissed, realizing I'd forgotten to lay a towel down. I grabbed my towel - for drying, not for the floor - and carefully stepped across the room to stand on the pile of discarded clothes from earlier.

"Shit!" I cursed more loudly when I realized my jacket was part of said pile. I picked it up quickly, inspecting it to see that it hadn't gotten too wet.

I went about drying myself off and dressing in clean - cleanish - clothes. As I was finishing up brushing my teeth, I heard the familiar beep signalling a call from Allura.

I grabbed my phone from the desk, silently thanking my good timing with having just showered. It was 7pm. Allura'd flip shit if she saw me with bed head that late.

"Oh, Lance!" Her smiling face filled the screen. "I have the best news today."

"Oh, yeah?" The smile on my face didn't come as easily as I'd wished, twinging my stomach and putting a nagging itch at the back of my mind.

"We're making preparations, and it's safe to say I'll see you tomorrow!" The nagging got louder. My palms tingled as they started to sweat.

Nagging. Thoughts I'd buried. Feelings I'd locked away. Knocking their way through my denial.

"I cannot wait to see you," she continued, oblivious. Thankfully the smile was frozen to my face. "This has been so much longer than anticipated. And a bit longer than necessary, I might add."

"That's great, Allura." My expression softened as some part of me won the fight against the annoying shit feelings that I wanted to ignore. Allura was my friend, besides just being my girlfriend.

Everything would sort itself out when she came back. I'd realize my feelings were just a twisted version of missing her.

_I want her here._

_I love her._

"Oh, it'll be such a relief," she sighed. "Anything new with you?"

"Nope, not much can change around here in less than two days." I tried to laugh.

"I guess you have a point. That, honestly, sounds amazing right now." She raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes, I'm assuming at the amount of stress she was under. "I'm going to take a long vacation when this is over." That time I did laugh.

"A long vacation for you is just not working over the weekend."

"Well, I'll make sure it's more than that."

"Speaking of vacations, you're gonna miss Shiro." Her expression dropped. "He's heading back out midday tomorrow, will you be back by then?"

"I'm afraid not. According to our calculations we should be arriving just after ten in the evening."

"Aw, I'm sorry."

"Give him my regards, won't you?"

"Yeah, of course, I was just about to - we're having a kind of send-off party for him."

"Oh, good. I should let you go then. Don't want to keep you. I love you."

"Love you, too, Lura." The words felt foreign and it sent my heart racing.

"See you tomorrow!" She smiled brightly before disconnecting the call. I tossed my phone back onto the desk and sat on my bed.

I was suddenly exhausted. Running my hands through my hair, I let out a noise of frustration.

"Why is this happening to me?" I said out loud as if it would give me an answer.

_I love Allura._

_I want her to come home._

_I miss her._

My doubts rippled out of the box I'd locked them in and swirled through my mind.

Shit.

No use thinking about that now. I could feel my heart beat speeding up, my chest getting tight. _I really don't want to deal with freaking out. Just go to Shiro's party. It'll be fun._

_Don't think about Allura. If she gets back and I still don't - still have confused - feelings about being with her, then I'll deal with it then._

I took a deep breath. My hands were starting to shake, my leg twitching up and down.

_Fuck. Shit. Stop. It's fine. I'm fine. Just go hang out with Hunk and Shiro. It'll distract me. And Pidge is always fun and Keith-_

My stomach flipped.

_No! What the hell is that?_

A single beep from my phone startled me more than I'd like to admit. I picked it up and saw a message from Hunk- 'dude thought you were gonna help set up. Where are you???'

I sighed, trying to build up my resolve to go down to the common room we'd reserved for Shiro's party.

'sorry. On my way.'

 

"Hey man, what can I do?" I asked Hunk once I found him. He looked a little flustered, but relieved when he saw me.

"I almost got everything," he said, dusting his hands off on his pants. "I was just worried I'd forget something if it was only me. Pidge is running late, said she had to run back to her mom's for something quick." We walked into the reserved room and I couldn't help but feel guilty I hadn't been there sooner.

Hunk had filled two tables with platters of food and there were balloons and streamers. A large banner hung across the back wall; it read 'Happy Father's Day!'. When Hunk saw me looking at it he muttered something about it being Pidge's doing. I looked back at the food. There was... too much.

"Dude, how many people are coming?"

"Oh, just us. Y'know the old gang - well minus Allura and Coran which sucks a lot but. I asked Shiro about inviting people and he said most of his friends are on the Atlas. He said he wants us to stay, like, a thing - like Voltron crew - never forget. Also, he's dating someone but and I quote 'isn't ready to put him through that yet'. Whatever that-"

"Hunk." I had to interrupt or he probably wouldn't have stopped. "I just meant; why's there so much food?"

"Oh!" Hunk looked over the tables proudly. "Well, Colleen sent some new crops that we have to test out before they can be approved. Some different grains of rice and some new vegetables. I took advantage. My mom helped, and all the leftovers the kitchen can use tomorrow. Oooh, try one of these-" He leaned forward and picked up a sticky looking roll from a tray of at least 60.

"It's a coconut roll," he said, handing it to me. "You've had them before, but there's a new coconut that a lab in India created and just started shipping out. I think it's way better than ours."

I took a bite of the pleasantly sweet, still slightly warm bread. I couldn't tell if it did actually taste better or not cause the second I started to chew, I became aware of how starving I was. It instantly tasted like the best thing I'd ever put in my mouth.

"Dude," I said, mouth full.

"Good, right?"

"Did you make sushi?" I almost choked when my eyes fell on a platter of perfectly rolled and cut sushi.

"Yeah, no fish though," he said sadly.

"Who cares, it looks amazing!" My stomach growled painfully. I was somehow more hungry after I'd eaten the roll.

"You can eat, you know no one'll mind. I'm just gonna go grab some ice from the kitchen. Help yourself." Hunk motioned to the food with a smile and walked away.

I picked up a plate and filled it with a variety of foods, not even really paying attention to what it was. I was just wondering why I hadn't eaten yet that day.

Hunk returned with a container of ice and looked a little too thrilled by the fact I was eating. _He worries about me too much._

"Hey, uh, Allura's coming back tomorrow."

"Oh, yeah? I was gonna ask if there'd been any news lately, but I..." He trailed off and I had a feeling he hadn't asked cause he assumed it'd bring up bad shit for me. Well, he was kinda right, I guess.

"Yeah, dumb she's missing Shiro, though."

"Yeah, it is a shame. But that's probably a relief for you - she's been gone a while, must be rough." I shrugged, staring at my plate of food as I poked at some rice with my fork. "You used to talk about it, I figured it was getting harder once you stopped bringing it up."

"I don't know..." I didn't want to have the conversation. I knew I wouldn't be able to lie to Hunk.

"Hey, Lance, buddy." His voice changed, lower, more serious. Like he fucking knew already. He probably did. I always had a feeling Hunk was more perceptive to what was going on with me than he led on. "Man, are you okay? Like, did something happen?"

I looked to the side and rubbed the back of my neck. My stomach hurt and my heart beat sped up again.

"Not really, I..." I couldn't say it. "I don't..." I shook my head. "I don't really wanna talk about it... y'know, it's a party and all." I attempted a sarcastic laugh and gestured to our surroundings.

"That's fine, no, no, totally. I didn't mean-" Hunk took a moment to gather himself. "I just mean. Whenever you want, if you ever do need - to talk - I'm here for you, bud." I smiled, a half smile, but I meant it.

"I know. Thanks, man." I poked at the rice some more. "Sorry I've been - not really myself... lately." I looked up in time to see a pained look on Hunk's face, but just as he opened his mouth to say something the doors burst open and abruptly brought our conversation to a close.

"Okay, I'm here!" Shiro cried with his arms held out as if for applause. Keith was beside him looking happier than usual. The sight of him caused what little was left of my appetite to vanish. "Wow..." Shiro let his arms drop. "It feels more like my funeral in here than my goodbye party. What's going on?"

I forced myself to laugh. _I am going to have fun and be in a good fucking mood._

"Oh, we were just talking... about, uh..." Hunk looked at me.

"Yeah, Allura and Coran will be getting in tomorrow night." I said dryly.

"Yeah, yeah. It's, uh, upsetting." Hunk was fidgeting, and a very bad liar.

"She's sorry she's missing you." I told Shiro. I could feel Keith's eyes locked onto me but I refused to look at him.

"Aw, man. That's bad timing. They really underestimated this mission, huh?" Shiro glanced around the room and frowned. "What about Pidge?"

As if on cue, the doors burst open again, even more dramatically than Shiro had done.

"Hey, guys!" Pidge greeted cheerfully and gave Shiro a quick hug before dropping her backpack into an empty chair. "I brought gifts, from Russia, so bet you can't guess what it is."

"Ushankas?" I said quickly as she unzipped her bag.

"What? No, Lance, it's not even cold there like it used to be."

"Pidge." Shiro sounded stern and disapproving yet slightly amused as Pidge started pulling bottles of Vodka out of her bag. _That makes more sense than hats, I guess..._

"Sorry, Shiro. I had to get something super touristy from everywhere we went, you know this." Pidge handed a bottle to Keith and then walked one over to me.

"Thanks, Pidge!"

"Just wait till you see what I got from China," she said under her breath but Shiro heard her anyway.

"Pidge, you didn't!" He gasped then laughed. "Do you realize how many codes you violated? Your dad and I - I thought you took them back."

"I took back the ones you found." She flopped down into one of the comfier looking chairs and propped her feet up on the table in front of her. "But don't say anymore, you'll ruin the surprise." She was struggling trying to open her own bottle of vodka. Keith took a step forward and took it from her, opening it with ease.

"What'd you get from China?" Hunk asked.

"Sh, Hunk, you'll see." She responded, taking back her now open bottle from Keith. "Now." She stood and walked across the room to the cups Hunk had set out and poured a shot's worth in each one. "You up for a shot or do you want this punch stuff you made?" She asked Hunk.

"I'll take a small one." He stepped forward and picked up a cup.

"Come on, you losers - sorry - losers and Shiro. I didn't pour these for myself." She waved her hand for us to come closer.

I stood and crossed the room to pick up a cup. Keith did the same, standing beside me. It was hard to be upset around Pidge. I don't know how she managed it.

"C'mon Shiro," Keith said when Shiro still hadn't joined us.

"Pidge, are you even old enough to drink yet?" Shiro shook his head as he walked over to the last cup on the table.

"Well, that depends. Are we talking life experience-wise? Or number of years my body's actually lived, or the current year minus my birth year? Cause all three are very different, and I'm not sure how you wanna work in the affects of time dilation." Shiro just sighed.

"I see your point." He picked up his cup. "But don't tell your dad!" He added quickly.

"You're the only dad that matters right now, Shiro." Pidge said, screwing up her face to pretend to cry.

"To Space Dad!" Hunk yelled and held out his cup. Pidge, Keith, and I echoed the toast as we hit our cups together. Shiro just laughed sheepishly and muttered 'I can't believe this is my life' before taking his shot.

I exhaled sharply and set my cup down. The vodka left a burning trail down my throat and warmed my stomach.

"Cool. Now. Guys. Please eat some food. I have to know how it is for real, technical reasons." Hunk said, looking apprehensive.

"Hunk, it all looks amazing." Pidge said, grabbing a plate. "Oh, and guys you can finish this bottle before opening yours. I have more." Shiro let out a noise like he'd rather not have heard that last part.

I waited as Keith poured more vodka into his cup. A small tremor of some strange feeling that I didn't want to give voice to started in my gut, and I wished he'd hurry up so I could go sit not near him.

"Did you want some?" Keith asked, turning to me.

"Um, wha- yeah." I stuttered. _What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel so - so - just annoying._ "Thanks." I took the bottle, barely looking at him, and poured some into my cup. I topped it off with the bright pink punch stuff that Hunk had in a pitcher.

Then I went back to the seat I'd been sitting in. In front of my half finished plate of food. I took a long sip of my drink and found my eyes falling on Keith - who was laughing with Hunk and Shiro.

_I only feel like this cause I feel awkward about my messed up memories of the concert. There's nothing really causing this. Just ignore it. It just came out of nowhere._

_It just came out of nowhere._

_I didn't feel like this before just the other day..._

_Right?_

A small voice inside my head told me that was a lie.

I drown it out with another sip of my drink and focused intently on a conversation between Pidge, Hunk, and Keith. Shiro was only half participating, giving most of his attention to his plate of food.

Eventually they made their way to seats, everyone spread out across the room. It almost seemed intentional just so they had an excuse to be louder than necessary. And they definitely were just that - loud. As the night went on, we got even louder. And my tension eased a bit - probably due to Pidge's generous contribution of alcohol.

For a moment, it even felt easy. Laughing with my friends. Bouncing jokes off of each other. Sharing new stories and reminiscing about old ones.

Then it went downhill. Unexpectedly, slowly, and due to the fault of no one in particular.

Pidge had just finished telling a story about her near-death experience while surveying a city in South Africa. It had been completely decimated, but had become overrun with scavengers desperate for their next meal. And one thing led to another and ended with the green lion snatching Pidge out of the air as she was falling into a miles wide sinkhole.

"So yeah, we stepped up our game in the drones-check-shit-out-first department after that one."

"I'm still kind of surprised by some of the mistakes we didn't foresee." Shiro said, smiling and shaking his head at the memory.

"How do you deal with it?" Hunk asked. "Seeing all the destruction? All over the world. I can barely handle the stuff I see here."

"Oh, my therapist says I rationalize my feelings down to the point I start viewing my human reactions as a computer program that just needs recoding." Her tone was far too light for what had been said. "And I have these." She pulled out a small pill bottle and shook it. "One to sleep. One to wake up."

"Man, I tried those," Hunk said longingly. "It didn't work for me, made everything way worse."

"I still see my therapist, too." Pidge added.

"The one they forced all of us to see?" Keith asked. "You liked it?"

"Well 'like' is a strong word." She laughed.

"I went to the mandatory, what was it - eight sessions? I never went back."

"Yeah, me too. I couldn't stand it." I agreed.

"I still go every once in a while." Hunk shrugged. "I think stuff's getting better for me, though. I don't feel as - heavy - y'know?" I glanced at Keith and he was staring into his cup, a slight frown on his face.

"I think I feel better, too. Like I've accepted the new normal," Pidge said. "Or maybe my meds have, anyway."

"You guys," Shiro started, "just give it time. And talk to each other, use each other. No one else is gonna understand quite what you've been through."

"Aw, thanks Dad." Pidge tilted her head back until she was looking at Shiro upside down.

"I'm serious, don't lose touch." Keith must've dropped his cup, or set it down too hard. It sounded like he'd slammed it and when I looked over, he was wiping up some liquid that'd splashed out. His face was slightly flushed and he was avoiding looking at anyone. 

"Oh, Keith, no. I didn't mean-" Shiro sounded horrified as his words sunk in, and I'm sure everyone realized their unintended connotations.

"Yeah, no. It's fine." Keith muttered, still not looking up. 

And then, I'm not sure what happened. Something came over me and I just - I didn't want everyone to write it off. I didn't want them to tell Keith it was okay because it wasn't.

And it was like I didn't want to give him another chance. I felt like he'd used his last one and I was taking the one he was on back.

Heat rose from deep inside me. Something broke.

"No." I said, looking directly at Keith as I spoke. I felt everyone's eyes turn on me. I was shaking already. "No, it's not." Keith looked up, confused as if he hadn't heard me correctly, but I think I saw a flash of pleading fear in his eyes.

"It's not okay." I continued, my voice growing louder. "What you did. Is not just - okay."

"Lance," Shiro said calmly.

"Yeah, man, come on." I heard Hunk agree, but I ignored them.

"No! No, why does he get away with this?" I looked around then back at Keith, his eyes were wide. "What you did was fucked up! And - and I tried to forgive you, I did. But what did you do?" I was standing, unaware of the action I'd taken to do so.

"Lance." Shiro said more sternly, taking a step towards me, hand outstretched.

"No! Let him fucking talk!" Keith was standing too, hands clenched in fists on the table in front of him, glaring at me from across the room.

"You fucking left! Twice! And we're just supposed to act like nothing happened? Who the fuck are you, huh? You just get to mope around, drunk all the time, and we just have to deal with it?" I felt Hunk put his hand on my shoulder and say something I didn't hear. I shrugged him off.

"Oh, I mope around? Take a look at yourself, Lance!" Keith yelled back, disregarding Shiro as I was Hunk. "You're pissed I left? Well fuck you! Not everything's about you!" He grabbed his jacket off the table, turned on his heel and left, slamming the door on Shiro saying 'Keith, wait.'

"No! No! You don't storm out god dammit!" I shrugged away from Hunk again and started for the door.

"Lance, stop!" Shiro put his arm across my chest and it just pissed me off how much stronger than me he was. "Let him go."

"Y'know," Pidge piped up from her seat. "Maybe you should let him go, Shiro. They both probably need this."

I looked at Shiro, I would later feel badly about the scowl on my face that was directed at him. He looked like comprehending Pidge's words was painful, but with a sigh he let me go.

I raced out the door and down the hall. My heart was beating painfully, my whole body hot with anger and frustration and disappointment and betrayal and all the awful things Keith had made me feel.

I ran to the end of the hall and turned a corner. Keith was nearing the end of the next hall so I slowed to a walk.

"Keith!" I yelled, he turned.

"No! Dammit!" He took off running and disappeared around the next corner.

"What the fuck! Stop!" I ran after him. When I turned the corner he was a hallway length away from me.

"Stop it, Lance!" He yelled over his shoulder.

"Dude, just stop!" A part of me wanted to laugh at how ridiculous the situation had become. But I was determined to stay pissed.

When I turned the next corner I saw Keith skidding to a halt and smashing the elevator button more times than necessary.

"C'mon c'mon c'mon!" He was still hitting the button, but then I saw him jump through the doors. I wasn't gonna make it. I sprinted to the elevator and almost fell trying to stop in front of it. The doors were closing and I just barely got my arm in to stop it. I shoved the door and half fell into the elevator.

"God dammit, Lance!" I heard Keith as I stayed doubled over, trying to catch my breath. "Why are you chasing me? What do you want?"

"To - to fuckin' yell at you," I panted.

"Well!" He held out his arms and stared at me, waiting.

"Oh god," I breathed. "Gimme a sec." I stood up, clenching a stitch in my side. The elevator stopped and I swear Keith was out the doors before they even opened. "Wait!" I gasped and went after him.

"I'm not gonna stand around all day waiting for you to bitch at me about how I hurt your feelings." He snapped over his shoulder.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" My frustration renewed.

"Well, right now it's you."

"Well, yeah, me too." This wasn't going as planned. "But like really. Why are you so - like -" He opened the door to his room and jumped in, trying to close it before I stopped it.

"Ha!" I yelled as I succeeded in jamming my foot between the door and it's frame.

"Leave me alone," he said through grit teeth, pushing the door against me. I shoved a second time and he gave in with an aggravated huff.

"What? What!" He ran his hands through his hair and started pacing. "What do you want from me!? Hmmm? Should I apologize? Again! Sh-sh-should I tell you how much I regret leaving? How much it fucking kills me - to - to not feel like I'm part of this anymore? How I hate not knowing what you guys are going through? How much I fucking hate myself for it?" He stopped and looked at me, still scowling.

"Well, yeah, if you actually meant it."

"The fuck if I actually meant it!" He stepped forward and shoved me, knocking me back a few steps.

"You chose to leave!" I snapped, trying to stand straighter but he pushed me again and I stumbled back.

"You fucking - I had to!" His voice was growing strained, almost hoarse with emotion.

"Fuck you, you had to!" He pushed me again, something was stopping me from fighting back. With the last shove my back collided with the wall.

"Yes!" He cried. "You don't fucking get it, do you?"

"Clearly, no. You had to leave? You had to cut us out? You had-"

"I left because of you!" He turned around, grabbing the sides of his head, then turned back again. "I couldn't take it-"

"Fuck you!" I spat, a different type of anger flashing through me. "What the fuck did I do?"

"No." He sounded almost desperate, defeated, but still frantic. "Because of Allura."

"What did she do?" _Does he just really hate all of us?_ He wasn't making sense, and I was losing sight of why I was mad.

"Nothing! She - she - you - I couldn't take it! Seeing you two - I had to leave."

"Dude, you like Allura!?"

"No!"

"What, Keith!?"

"I-" My vision became obscured by black hair, and Keith was too close - Keith was - his lips were on mine. I was - so confused. For a split-second I thought he had tripped and fell and just happened to land with his mouth pressed against mine.

But the hand on the side of my head, thumb lightly pressed against my cheekbone - _nope, not an accident_ \- he was kissing me and I-

"Woah! What?" I pushed him away, completely dumbstruck - those two words, literally the only words going through my head.

Keith stared at me, a look of horror washing over him.

"Fuck," he breathed, turning away. "No, no. Fuck!"

"Keith." I managed to find his name in the white out of my brain.

"No, I didn't. I-I-I didn't." He looked at me for a fleeting second and turned and disappeared out the door.

Part of me wanted to follow him, tell him it was okay.

Part of me was just really freaking confused.

Another part was still not entirely sure what had happened.

I didn't follow. I didn't go after him. I just stood there. Not knowing what to do. Keith had run out of his own room.

_What if he comes back and I'm still here?_

_What if I try and leave and run into him in the hallway?_

_Maybe I should stay here and wait._

_He probably doesn't want me here. I mean, he did just leave._

I came to the conclusion that I should leave Keith's room in favor of my own. I opened the door cautiously and walked swiftly down the hall to my door.

Once inside and collapsed on my bed, buried in a heap of blankets, I finally began to realize what had just happened.

_Keith's words made sense. He had left because of me. Cause it hurt him too much to see me with Allura. Because he wanted to be in her place._

My chest hurt, my palms started to sweat.

Then I felt nauseous. Bothered by how not bothered I was. Confused by the giddy warm feeling that buzzed through my body as I thought about it.

_This can't be right._

_Do I really?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They just had to go and ruin Shiro's party.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I definitely didn't intend to not update for months. Hopefully people are still out there. I decided to rewrite a large portion of the last chapters but then became so disgusted with the obnoxious portion of this fandom that it gave me massive writer's block and a reluctance to do anything related to Voltron.  
> But I got over it and am determined to not add to the mass amounts of unfinished fanfiction.

Chapter 11  
Lance's Point of View

 

I woke up early the morning after Shiro's party. The events of the night before were too jarring to allow me to sleep for more than a few hours.

And even those few hours were interrupted, my mind jerking me awake. I had too much adrenaline left in me. Every time I woke my heart would race again and I'd play everything out in my head. Each time wishing something had gone differently.

I'd wish Keith had stayed and talked to me.

Then I'd wish I hadn't followed him at all.

Then I should've waited in his room.

I shouldn't have yelled to begin with.

Maybe it's good it happened.

Once I wanted to get out of bed and go find him. Make sure he was okay. Make sure he was still here.

Another time - I hadn't woken completely - I wished I was in his room, in his bed, sleeping peacefully wrapped in his blankets, surrounded by his warm comforting scent.

But I was in my room. Alone. Fully aware of what had happened. Unable to change it. Unsure of what to do about it.

I tried to put Keith out of my mind and focus on Allura. She would be home in less than 18 hours, so I had to get my shit together. I had to act like nothing was wrong. She didn't deserve to come home to a version of me more fucked up than the one she'd left.

Which meant I had to clean myself up... and clean my goddamn room.

So that's what I did.

I put clean sheets on the bed. I didn't think about Keith.

I picked all my clothes up off the floor. I didn't think about Keith. And when I hung up my jacket, I did not remember the way it looked as it covered him as he slept on the floor so I could have his bed.

Nope, I just cleaned.

I threw out all the empty cereal boxes. I didn't think about Keith. I didn't let my mind wander to the night I had the panic attack. I didn't pause on the fact that he made me feel better by simply just being there. I didn't let that remind me of how he calmed my insecurities when I wanted to leave Voltron, or any of the countless similar situations where he just seemed to know how to help me. No, I definitely didn't think about that.

I washed the dishes, I vacuumed the floors, I cleaned the bathroom. I didn't think about Keith.

I took a shower. I scrubbed my face, brushed my teeth, and put on clean clothes. I didn't think about Keith.

When I took the garbage out to the dumpster my heart didn't leap before I opened my door. I wasn't hoping I'd run into him.

I wasn't.

I did not. 

Think about Keith.

 

I did go find Shiro though. I had to apologize and say goodbye. He was kind enough not to ask questions besides making sure I was okay.

I felt a little lighter as I left him and headed towards the cafeteria.

When I walked through the doors I saw Pidge and Hunk sitting at a table. My stomach tightened. Their conversation would undoubtedly be harder to navigate than Shiro's.

Hunk waved with a smile, which I returned as I got in line for food. I got myself toast, oatmeal, and the largest cup of coffee they offered before going to sit with Hunk and Pidge.

"You're up earlier than usual," Hunk said, patting my back as I took a seat.

"Yeah." I took a long sip of coffee. "Couldn't really sleep."

"I slept amazing last night." Pidge stretched her arms over her head. I took a bite of my toast. "So did you and Keith kiss and make up or what?"

I choked. And felt my face go red, which made me thankful for the piece of bread that I'd swallowed wrong. So I coughed a little more than necessary. Just so there were no doubts in either of their minds that I was blushing due to choking and not for any other reason.

"Dude, are you alright?" Pidge was looking at me sideways.

"Yeah," I breathed and drank some coffee. "Just swallowed wrong. The toast is-" I glanced down at the barely browned, glistening with butter toast on my plate, "-dry." _Way to play it off..._

Pidge narrowed her eyes then shrugged and went back to her food.

"Are you guys okay, though?" Hunk asked. "Keith didn't come back last night either. And we haven't seen him this morning."

"Keith?" My voice was higher than it should've been. "Yeah, yeah he's fine. We're fine. It's all good." _Holy shit get it together!_ "Y'know, he wasn't even mad. I wasn't - um - just, uh... misunderstanding." _Yeah, good, that's much better. Jesus fucking christ._

"Oh, well that's good." Hunk and Pidge looked at each other. I saw Pidge raise her eyebrows as she tried to hide behind her own cup of coffee.

"So, anyway," Pidge said as she readjusted herself to sit on her feet. "When Allura gets back, I kinda wanna do something fun. What's your input?"

"Umm..." I poked at my oatmeal. "She'd like to see everyone."

"Well no shit sherlock."

"Uuuh, fuck you watson. I think she's burnt out. She said she wants a vacation and I think she might actually mean it." A flutter started in my chest - not a good one.

"Oh, well that's easy then." Pidge picked up a crust of toast from her plate and dropped it. "I thought she might have to rush off right away."

"No, nope. Not this time." I tried to smile without any of my uneasiness showing through. _I'd give anything to jump ahead a few weeks. Hopefully by then everything will be calmed down and normal._

"Mmhmm." Pidge was giving me a look. I'm not sure what kind of look and I didn't want to put too much thought into it. Maybe she was just thinking about what to do when Allura got back.

"So," I cleared my throat, "what're you two doing today?" I was desperate to direct the conversation to anywhere but on me.

"Oh, right. I almost forgot," Hunk started. "We're meeting Veronica, Pidge wants a tour of the new placement facility and I actually have some work I need to get to."

"Oh yeah. We're meeting her at 10:30, right?" Pidge looked at Hunk then back at me. "You could join us if you hurry up and eat."

I took a bite of my oatmeal to avoid answering immediately. Distracting myself from sitting and waiting sounded nice, but... Veronica.

I hadn't seen or heard from her since the whole Christmas thing. Now was probably not the time to try and mend that rift.

_I don't think I'm mentally prepared for that yet._

"Um, I should probably clean my room and stuff before Allura sees it."

"C'moooon you have all day. She's getting in late, right?" Pidge was too persistent.

"You underestimate the level of wrecked my room is right now, Pidge." _Or was..._

"I actually believe you." She smiled, shaking her head. "Do you want help then? I'm not doing anything later, I could swing by after we finish with Veronica."

"Um..." _Shit, I can't just say 'no'._ "Sure. Just text me when you're done."

"Cool, I'd offer to help too but, I have so much work to catch up on." Hunk started gathering the dishes and trash on the table. "I've been slacking since Keith and Shiro were here. Now Allura's taking time off-" he looked at Pidge, "Ah and she's still here! Man, I need more time for my friends."

"Know watcha mean, buddy."

"Oh no you don't, Lance"

"Yeah, man, shut up," Pidge laughed as she stood up. "I'll text you later."

"Yeah, see ya later." Hunk patted my back.

"See ya, guys." I watched them leave.

And I was alone.

I sighed, looking down at my half eaten toast and oatmeal. Already, I was back on edge.

I forced down the rest of the toast, topped off my coffee, and left. Where I was going, I didn't know, but I was going for a walk I guess. I just had to be back by the time Pidge texted me. She gets distracted so easily, I'm sure I have a few hours at least.

I avoided going through any of the exits that would've allowed for Hunk or Pidge to see me. So I made my way to a back exit behind the gym, it was always deserted cause the door didn't lead anywhere. It just opened to the back of the buildings, I think it was just there for safety reasons.

So I was all the more surprised when I opened the door and found myself face to face with- "Keith!" I yelped, voice embarrassingly high.

"Lance!" Keith snapped, recoiling, looking just as horrified by the encounter as I was. "Uuuh - uh -"

"How's it goin'? I was just-"

"I-I um - Shiro." His face was getting redder by the second and he was furiously avoiding my gaze. It made something twitch inside me, the way it always did when I made Keith mad or flustered or frustrated. But then I knew there may be more behind it than just me enjoying getting on his nerves.

"Yeah, yeah, uh..."

"Just- out of my way, Lance." He pushed his way around me but I caught the door before it closed.

"Hey, Keith," voice finally under control. He stopped but didn't turn around. "D'you wanna... go for a walk? With me?" Before he turned I noticed his shoulders drop like he'd been holding his breath.

"Um... sure." He sounded hesitant but there was something else in his tone and expression. He seemed hopeful, in the most timid way I've ever seen him.

It made my heart hurt.

I held the door open as he walked back through.

And we walked. Neither of us saying a word. I can't say for sure, but I bet Keith felt just as awkward and anxious as I did. Hell, he may have felt worse.

My palms were sweating, my mind racing. _What the shit am I gonna say?_

I was walking absently, following my feet. Keith was a pace or two in front of me but I was leading the way. And the way was to the rooftop, apparently.

I climbed up the crates and although I knew he was perfectly capable of climbing up himself, I offered Keith a hand. He glanced at my upturned palm, then at my face, and back to my hand again before finally taking it. My heart beat faster, a warmth spread from our clasped hands and pooled in my chest.

When Keith was soundly on the roof, though, we both ripped our hands apart as if we'd been burned.

_This is worse than middle school..._

I walked to the edge, not wanting to give Keith the chance to study my face or the heat I felt burning there.

I sat down, Keith followed and stood beside me.

A few moments of silence passed and my heart was beating so erratically that my chest started to hurt.

"Is this...," Keith's voice startled me, "where it happened?" I took a deep breath and looked at the horizon.

"Yeah." My voice was slightly hoarse. Keith took a step forward and sat beside me.

Close.

But not too close.

A distance that left me frustrated.

He pulled his knees up to his chest.

"You come here a lot." It wasn't a question. He was looking at the rooftop around us. I hadn't noticed before but there were multiple sets of footprints in the dust - all of them my own.

"I do. To think-" I pulled at a loose thread at the bottom of my pants "-or not think."

"And to call me, even though I never answer, right?" His head was turned away from me.

"I mean, I called you from other places too." I tried to laugh. "But yeah, when I end up here that's usually how it goes... or used to go, I don't call you since you're here, y'know, and I mean I - did you really listen to all of them?"

"Yeah... was I not supposed too?" His defensive response was so normal that it'd felt like I'd been trying to breath under water until then. It took a weight out of the air that I didn't know had been there. For a moment it was normal. And I was reminded of who I was actually sitting beside.

"Yeah," I laughed. "Yeah, it's fine."

"Good cause I..." He turned his face away again, tapped his foot a few times. "I kinda, I don't know, liked getting them."

"It woulda been nice to know that then." It came out more bitterly than I'd intended.

"I know," Keith sighed and leaned forward, readjusting to sit cross-legged. His knee touched mine so he shifted. I tried to move discreetly to regain the contact but it didn't work.

_It would be easier to sort out my feelings if our knees were touching. I don't know why - but it would be._

"Lance." His tone was serious, too serious. I wasn't prepared for the real conversation yet. "You know I... I didn't think... I should have called you back. And Hunk. And Pidge."

"I thought you hated us." I leaned back on my hands, trying to act as casual as possible.

"I-" Keith clenched his hand into a fist, tapping his thumb against his forefinger. "I never did."

"You don't have to explain it." I put a hand on his shoulder, thankful he couldn't see it shaking with hesitation as I did so. He leaned into the touch - or at least I think he did - he leaned away soon after and it left me wondering if I'd imagined it.

"I'm sorry, about... what I said last night. About you being miserable all the time." I moved my hand from his shoulder, remembering the argument. Honestly, I'd kinda forgotten about everything that happened before we left the elevator.

"Oh, um... well, I kinda do."

"But that's - I shouldn't have -" he took a steadying breath. "Shiro always tells me that I have to give myself time. And I - I always think it's bullshit cause I should just get over it.

"But then, when I look at you," he turned and looked me in the eyes. It sent my heart to my throat and I had to force myself not to look away. Staring into his eyes made it hard to focus on what he was saying.

"Lance, you deserve all the time in the world." He grabbed my hands and my lungs decided they didn't wanna work for a few seconds. "You don't need to be better yet as long as you're not giving up on yourself. And, fuck, if you didn't give up on me after two years, I know you have it in you."

"But- but I..." I took my hands away and pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. "I hate being like this..." I felt the hole open up inside me. The one that was either vibrating with anxiety or completely fucking empty. Right then it was empty.

"It'll get better." Keith shifted to face me. "It will. This isn't the end for you. And it doesn't matter how long it takes, I'll-" He bit his lip and I saw his expression change before he turned away again. I wished for him to finish. I wanted desperately to hear what he was going to say. 

His words and his presence warmed the edges of the hole inside me. It wasn't so daunting, feeling like I wasn't alone.

I felt like he understood, like maybe he was okay with me being so broken - or just - he wasn't judging me for it. He just sat with it.

My heart swelled with gratitude and affection towards him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. To breathe him in until the hole closed up.

But that wasn't going to happen. Cause Keith alone couldn't fix me. And more importantly cause Keith decided to break the silence with a thought that sent my anxiety into overdrive. The fucking elephant in the room... or one of them at least. We had a few elephants following us around.

"Allura's comin' back tonight, huh?"

"She is."

"Are you - I know you said before about," he muttered something I couldn't quite catch. "Are you ready for it?"

"No... and yes, I guess." I sighed, feeling like the fucking elephant sat on my chest. "I have to figure shit out with her." My words put a pit in my stomach and built a wall between us. A wall I didn't want there. But I was clueless as to how to tear it down.

So it stayed there.

And then I made it worse.

We headed back to our rooms and Keith paused at my door.

I was fumbling around my pockets for the keycard even though I knew I hadn't locked my door. I just had to distract myself. Look busy to avoid the discussion that was imminent. I'd avoided it so far.

My heart pounded in the back of my throat, my hands clumsy.

"Hey, Lance, I-" _Oh god. Oh god. I don't know what to say._ "About - er - last night."

"Look, dude," I cut him off, "I can just - like - forget about it." _But I don't want that! Why is that what my desperate, stumbling mind came up with..._

Keith just stood there, expression unreadable.

"I mean if - that's cool, y'know." There was a pause, then he frowned slightly before responding with-

"Yeah, sure." He scratched the back of his head. "That- that's... cool, yeah." Part of me was screaming. The less likable part of me was just happy to have dodged the acknowledgement of any emotions. "Sorry, about it." He wasn't even trying to make eye contact - which was perfectly cool with me.

"Don't worry, man. I'll - uh - see you later." I gave up pretending my door was locked and just opened it.

"Yeah." Keith turned towards his room and I closed myself in mine. An uncomfortable heat rose up my neck, my arms felt heavy.

"What the shit..." I breathed out loud and sat heavily on my bed.

_What the hell is going on..._

_Allura's gonna be home in a few hours. I should be ecstatic. Overwhelmed with excitement. Longing to wrap my arms around her. To touch her unnaturally smooth skin. To kiss her perfectly soft lips. To smell her sweet scented hair. To throw her on our bed and feel every inch of her._

_But I'm not._

_I'm so nervous, my stomach aches when I think of her._

_My mind is split when she should be the only one on it._

_I know why I told Keith I'd forget about last night._

_It was the easy way out. It'll be easy to fake my way through everything with Allura until my feelings return to normal._

_There'll be no analyzing of new emotions required. Just going through the motions of what I've done before._

_Cause I know my love for Allura isn't gone._

_It can't be._

_Now I just need for it to be louder than the part of me that keeps bringing up Keith. The part that keeps reminding me of things that make me think... I've felt something for him. For a long time..._

_This is exhausting._

Pidge texted me eventually - thankfully late enough that I could just pretend I'd finished cleaning. Or maybe not thankfully, cause after a few hours of pacing my room, I realized I could've used the distraction.

I should've gone for a walk again or something.

But I didn't.

I chose to collapse on my bed and continue to argue with myself about what I was and wasn't allowed to think about.

And before I knew it, my late night, shitty sleep, and early morning caught up with me.

The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes from sleep.

_Fuck._

"Fuck!" I hissed and sat up, heart racing.

_Allura. Shit. What time is it? Oh my god I can't be late._

I grabbed my phone from the pillow beside me. 

10:13

"Fuck! Shit!" I swung my legs off the side of the bed and fumbled around for my shoes. "Shit shit shit!"

_Please be late._

_Please be late._

_You never are, Allura, but please be late._

_Shit if she's already here, I'm more fucked than I was to begin with._

I went as quickly as I could to the lion hangar, trying to come up with a reasonable excuse on my way. Falling asleep was not a reasonable excuse. I should've been too excited to sleep. I needed to act as normal as possible.

The hangar was empty.

I let out a sigh of short-lived relief and hoisted myself up to sit on Red's paw.

Thank shit they were running late and not early, but then the real waiting began.

Red was helpful in comforting me enough to keep me from biting my nails till they bled. And from pulling at the fraying at the bottom of my pants until they were shorts.

But Red couldn't calm the churning in my gut. Or the shallowness of my breath that was making me attempt a deep breath every half minute to keep from getting lightheaded.

And when the hangar door lurched into motion, Red couldn't stop the sweat from beading on my temples or the shaking in my limbs or the wave of adrenaline so strong it made me nauseous.

As I watched the blue lion make its way into the space across from Yellow - the last empty space - I tried so hard to manipulate my expression. But the blood rushing in my ears, my heart painfully wracking my chest, I knew I was failing. I'm sure I was pale, sweaty, and wide-eyed like I'd just seen a ghost. It kinda felt that way.

But when Allura jumped down to the concrete floor and took off her helmet, I found a smile on my face. Her eyes lit up as she looked at me, guilt flashed through my mind but I managed to bury it, however temporarily.

I slid down from Red's paw and by the time my feet hit solid ground, Allura had covered the space between us and thrown her arms around me.

I felt her take a deep breath and her body relaxed into mine. I waited for mine to do the same, as it always had, but it stayed rigid. Tense as fuckin' ever.

"Oh I've missed you." Her voice muffled against my neck. I swallowed roughly.

"I missed you, too." My voice was hoarse. She held me tighter. I took a deep breath, her scent was nostalgic, comforting. But not the same way - _stop._

"Can we go to our room? I'm exhausted." She moved her hands to either side of my face as she pulled back to look me in the eyes. "You look as though you could use some rest as well." Her voice was gentle, her hands perfectly soft against my face, soothing my perpetual headache. Her eyes were searching mine - for what, I don't know - but what she might find terrified me. She tilted her mouth towards mine in a barely noticeable way.

"W-where's Coran?" I stalled. It's not that I didn't want to kiss her, it's more that... I was scared. Scared that it would feel wrong. It held too much weight. And I already felt like I was lying to her... _fuck my conscience. I shouldn't feel guilty after I decided I'm trying to fix this._

"I dropped him off at the Holt's home." She frowned. "That's why I'm late."

"Oh..."

"You haven't seen me in over a phoeb and the first thing you do is ask about Coran? Can you just kiss me already?"

Our lips met. My heart slowly sank. It felt foreign. Not like I remembered. There was no warmth. No connection. It felt like we were kissing through a glass wall.

And it was all on me.

Allura pulled back and smiled warmly at me. _Did she not feel it?_

"Let's go." She stepped back and grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers through mine and placing her other hand over top.

We walked, her holding my hand in both hers, our shoulders pressed together.

When we got to our room, I felt my gaze drawn to the door a few lengths down the hall.

Allura pulled me into our room.

And onto our bed.

Where she pulled off our clothes. And I heard her tell me she loved me. I saw her touching my skin. And I kissed her. I held her. And I felt her. 

All through a glass wall.

By the time she rolled away from me to go shower, I was fighting back tears. When the bathroom door closed and the water started, I was on the verge of hyperventilating.

_Did she not notice?_

_Did she not feel it?_

_This isn't how it's supposed to be._

When she crawled back into bed with me, I wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly against me. I buried my face in her hair and she whispered "I love you."

"I love you, too." I got the words out before my throat tightened painfully, before my eyes burned till there were tears soaking into my pillow. Allura was asleep quickly. I just held her.

_Is this really it?_

_Is this the end of us? Am I never getting her back?_

_This isn't - the way it's supposed to go._

_Allura._

_As flawless and beautiful as the first time I saw you._

_So perfectly put together. So strong in every way._

_So contrasting to the heaping wreck I am._

_I'm sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! All feedback is much appreciated.


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